Infinite - Jake T. Austin Love Story

41: Spilled Mess

Does he still love me?

I continue grabbing envelopes one after another - convincing myself that this will help remind me how much he loves me, but with each one I read, my heart feels weaker and weaker. It reminds me of what he told me earlier through the laptop.

Number Nine out of One Hundred

Hey there beautiful,

You know who's the most perfect girlfriend I ever had? Read the first word in this paragraph - that's right, YOU! You're gorgeous, magnificent, beautiful - hell, I have to go look at a thesaurus in order to figure out any other names to call you. I'm so lucky to have a wonderful girl like you. You don't see what I see... You think you're not perfect, but to me - the flaws you see are what makes you perfect. I love how you try covering your mouth as you laugh, or run your hand through your hair - thinking something is wrong when in reality, it's like you just came out of the hair parlor. Every single day.

But there's more to your physical features... You're beautiful - inside and out.

You're caring.

Loving.

Sympathetic.

Kindhearted.

And you're always here for me.

My heart begins to crack even more at his description. I'm such a horrible girlfriend. I couldn't even make these small things for him like he has. I don't deserve a guy like him. I don't deserve anyone at all; why did he even like me in the beginning when the things he had written in ink are all lies. I'm not beautiful. I'm not loving. I'm not kindhearted. He told me himself - he thinks I don't love him. How am I able to prove that when he won't even listen to me? How will anything work if he thinks I don't care. All of these words written - they're all lies.

Lies.

Lies that made him think he loved me when in reality, I wasted his time. I'm not worth it. Instead of finishing the letter, I fold it up, placing it wi?g the rest inside the drawer. I don't deserve him.

I don't deserve love.

I don't deserve anything.

Ever.

*****

Two days have gone by - two days of nothing but my phone constantly ringing and dying. I had to explain to Jayce why I hung up on him. I told him me and my boyfriend are having some troubles as of now, and he didn't ask any questions - he was just there for me. He quickly changed the subject - knowing it was hard for me to speak about it. Instead he spoke about how his brother and father wanting to meet me, and I'm invited to their thanksgiving dinner; he told me that he loves spending time with his family, but they want a change in ritual sometimes. So, I told him I would think about it, and by that, I really meant I had to check my parents' work schedules and ask my mother for permission. There's a high chance I'll be able to go: my parents never take a break from work. In addition to that, my mother thinks Jayce is the perfect child by her first impression, and as she screamed at me a few days ago, he came into context due to how sweet and wonderful he is. That, and when Jayce told her about his father's job, she's been asking my father about that profession and the salary it makes.

However, little did she know I don't like Jayce like that. Even if Jake doesn't think I love him, I do, and that'll never ever change. I don't even understand what we are right now... I want to call him, but at the same time, I'm scared. My heart shatters every time he's on my mind, my brain begins to drown everything that I'm suppose to be thinking about, and life - it feels like it has stopped. Everything has dragged on around me, and I can't do anything about it.