pretend you're awake » phan

18

"should we tell them?"

phil knows he means the fans.

"nah." something about the whole thing makes him want only dan and himself to know. but he knows his parents and martyn have to be notified somehow, and he can only hope they don't go off on dan.

"how can you say it like that?"

"like what?"

"like you don't even care that you're dying?" dan's full lower lip is quivering and his voice breaks on the last word, tears threatening to spill over.

"honestly? i've kind of accepted it by now. as long as you're with me—"

"phil, don't—"

"—as long as you're with me," he begins again, "i have everything i need."

"you've got less than a month," dan whispers, his throat sounding suffocated. a quicksand voice, blocky and raw. his eyes are terrified.

"but i've got you." dan's tears finally spill over as his body is wracked with sobs. the sound is helpless, grating, and, somehow, the most achingly beautiful thing phil has ever heard.

dan slouches helplessly against phil. "i'm sorry, i'm not even the one who's—" he mutters brokenly, and phil shushes him gently.

"it's all right. it will be, at least. sometime."

"you can't know that! how am i supposed to—"

phil just places his hands on dan's shoulders and looks him in the eye.

"i'll always love you, and that's all there is to it." dan's face collapses again, and phil holds him all that night.

funny how this situation adds up. the afflicted comforting the healthy.

that's the mark of tragedy.