nefelibata (n.) | ✔️

thirty-one.

We spent another two hours talking and designing my Gallery wall. Camila and her daughter made an appearance at one point too. Nina offered to take me out for dinner, so I decided to go - prolonging my heart-break as much as I could. I didn't want to admit that losing Carson would break my heart, but it was the only way to explain it.

 I am in love with him, and now I have to force myself to crash out of love. "Thank you for dinner, Nina. Unfortunately, I have to go. There's something I need to do before my curfew." I knew she could sense something was wrong, but she minded her business, and we said our goodbyes. 

It was nearing nine at night by the time I was on my way to Carson's house. I cried the whole way there, which was very out of character for me, but I decided my best bet was to get it all out before getting to Carson's. 

As I passed the dock that held so many memories, I let myself let out one final round of sobs before pulling myself together and knocking on his door. Carson pulled open the door with a bright smile, like always. "Hey, babe!" 

I tried to muster up a convincing smile, but it must have not been too persuading. Carson pulled me into his arms with a sigh. "What is it?"

I pulled away and looked down at my hands. "Can we go to your room, please?" His eyes looked worried. No, horrified. 

Once we were in his room and the door was shut, Carson stood across from me, not too far but not close either. I hated seeing him so confused and sad. "There's no easy way for me to get this out. I'm going to say it, and you're going to let me leave. No arguing." I crossed my arms and tried my best to give a stone cold face. 

"Lena, what're you talking about?" 

I took a long breath before spitting out the words I never thought I'd be saying. "We have to break up. We're done, okay? I can't explain, we're just done." The look on his face felt like a punch to the gut, stealing my soul in the process. 

"What?" When I reached for the door, he stepped in front of me. "No fucking way, Lena. You're not leaving like that. No." The look of confusion mixed with heartbreak was heart-wrenching. 

"Carson, I told you I couldn't explain. Please just let me go." I looked down and gnawed on the inside of my cheek, trying my best to prevent the tears that threatened to fall. 

"Look at me, Lena." He tried to bring his hand to my cheek, but I moved away, wincing as he let out a small sigh of sadness. "I don't know what you want me to say, Lena. How can I fix this? What can I do?" Carson ran his hand through his hair, pulling slightly. "I've tried and tried to prove to you that I'm worth being in your life, why can't you let me in?"

"That's not it, Carson. I'm trying! Fuck, Carson! I'm trying so damn hard but everything in my life is one big bowl of screw-ups, and you're the only person who's never let me down. I can't explain this. I have to let down the one person who never did, and it's hurting me just as much as you." I try my best to contain my tears and luckily they don't fall, but they continue to build up, and I don't know how much longer I can be here.

"No, Lena. I don't accept that. It's Brooklyn, isn't it? What is it? Please, baby just tell me what she said. Please don't do this to us." I wipe my tears and turn away from Carson. Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt so much?

"Lena I love you. I love you so damn much, and I don't think I could ever stop. Even if I wanted to. I know it's fast and I know you're scared, but you have to tell me what to do." He takes a step towards me, letting me see the tears glistening in his eyes. "Please, Lena. Let me fix this. Please let me fix this."

He tried to put his arms around me, but I can't let him. It's the best thing for him to just let me go. He doesn't know it, but he'll be grateful in the end. "I can't, Carson. I love you. I love you so much, but I can't."

I run out of his room and try my best not to trip on the stairs as I exit his house, clutching my keys so tight I think I may bleed. I look up to his window and see him on his bed, head in his hands. You did this to him, Lena. 

"Fuck!" I struggle to type a quick text to the bitch, making sure she knows it's done and that Lenny can stay entirely out of this. I bang my hands on the wheel and let my frustration out.

I drive away with my tears fogging my vision, my heart aches so much, it's unbearable. Are breakups supposed to be this bad? I don't understand. I only made it about two minutes from his house before having to pull over and sob into my steering wheel. I feel pathetic. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I bang my hands against the steering wheel again and let out a frustrated scream.

When a black pick up truck pulls up behind me, I quickly wipe my tears again and straighten up, pretending to look up directions on my phone.

"Hello there, Lena," The devil herself says as she walks up to my opened window.

"What the fuck do you want, Brooklyn? I did it okay?! Leave me the hell alone."

What I didn't expect was for this night to take a turn for the violent. Brooklyn reaches her hand into my car and smashes my head against the wheel. My vision is even more spotty now, my eyes crossed. She somehow drags me out of the car, and I feel her throw me to the ground.

My car alarm is sounding, but with a crash, it stops, but my head is pounding too much to care.

"Stop Brooklyn, p-please stop." I can barely form a sentence as I stumble on my own words, my head beginning to ache as much as my heart. "You got what you wanted, please let me be."

I knew it was over for me when I saw the two tall males tower over me with wicked grins on their faces. Brothers. Brooklyn stood behind my back, the one brother at my legs and the other at my stomach. Without warning, they all began kicking. Kicking with force, anger, hatred. What did I do? What did I do to get myself here?

Once Brooklyn nailed another punch into my face, I began to no longer feel anything. I could feel myself giving up, the pain no longer being felt even though they were still going. The only thing I could feel was that of a broken heart... and then nothing.