The Science Wars (Legacy)

May 1, 1969 - The Attack

There's been a few problems at the facility lately. Several snaketiles tried to escape the facility, but luckily they were stopped by constable Golem. The SSAM hasn't given the snaketiles surface rights yet. I suppose it's for the snaketiles' safety, but they're not buying it.

In the middle of the hallway, I caught a snaketile and a test subject in a fistfight. (The test subject had to receive 20 hypos of Painyoubegone until he felt better.)

Because of the fact that Citizen K'ssa just had her 20 eggs hatch, we've announced a snaketile birth control program. You may only keep up to 1 egg every 3 years. We can't have the facility crawling with baby snaketiles, getting their scaly claws all over MY stuff! (I found one of her kids sleeping in my coffee machine!)

Today is also the day I start my "Ask Professor Justin" seminars in the auditorium. Some of the questions people asked are good questions, such as: How does a snakeycola taste so good, yet be so snakey at the same time?

Other questions are just plain weird. One employee asked: Is it possible for a human to get a snaketile pregnant or vise versa?

HECK NO! You may be able to mutate people into a snaketile, but snaketiles lay eggs. People don't. I mean, what would that even look like? A human with scales? A snaketile with human skin? I guess I'll be firing some idiots today.

People have a lot of questions about how snaketonium works, and if a cure is possible.

Snaketonium is a  mutagen we accidentally created back in '53. It is capable of rapidly killing and regenerating cells and mutating human DNA into snaketile DNA, resulting in a complete snaketile.

It gets pretty gross if you try to do it the other way. Since a snaketile is larger than a human, you end up getting a twisted and deformed mess. Usually these test subjects die within minutes.

Because of this, there is no cure for snaketonium, unless you want two inside out heads, and your organs outside of your body.

Point being, Wilma is giving her students a field trip of the Snaketonium Production Annex. It's really awesome, and I know the kids will love it. The snaketonium production machines are usually offline, but since we're low on snaketonium, I decided to fire them back up again.

Snaketonium used to require milking snaketiles for venom, but eventually we figured out how to replicate DNA strings, though that is much harder, at least it keeps the snaketiles happy.

We still haven't been able to figure out who knew my office's access code. Any mutated test subject who visited my office could be a suspect at this point.

Eventually, a test associate asks the last question of the seminar before everyone gets back to work.

"Sir," she asks. "Who was the first human to be mutated into a snaketile?"

"Miss," I say. "Subject 342. Well, I suppose this concludes the first Ask Professor Justin Seminar. Remember, Science is the Future and the Future Starts With You. You have one month to come up with as many questions as possible!"

Everyone files out of the auditorium. The test associate looks at me, gets up, and walks away.

I go to Warehouse 6 to pick up a crate of Painyoubegone Hypos. Dr. Wayne was willing to sacrifice his private supply to keep Dr. Potato quiet. The hallway curves, as I walk past the factory access lift.

I then walk past the Snaketonium Production Control Desk. An engineer is working hard to regulate the pressure of the Snaketonium Storage Unit (SSU). Through the observation window, I can see an engineer giving Wilma and her class a tour of the production facility.