Roommates || Calum Hood

Chapter 11 // Apologies

•Calum

My face went pale just with the mere mention of the incident that had completely wrecked our life-long friendship. I knew it was awful of me the second after I opened my mouth at the lunch table, and I regretted that very moment for the rest of my life. But once I started talking I couldn't stop. It was like something had come over me. I felt like I was in no control over my body.

I lied to Cassidy, and to my friends, and it took me a few years to reflect upon how I never wanted to be even slightly dishonest again. I hated myself for ruining our friendship and for hurting her, but I also never found it as big of a deal as Cassidy did. I expected for me to come over that night with some of her favorite candy and tell her I was lying and that we could laugh it off together. But she didn't let me inside her house and she also didn't tell me goodbye when she moved to America.

I was so happy that Cassidy agreed to letting me be her first time, not because of the fact that I have fantasized about it for ages, but because I truly didn't want her to do it with someone who didn't love her and care about her. It wasn't awful as I had claimed and I also didn't just want to get in her pants. She was my closest friend in the entire world, the last thing I wanted to do was drive her away from me. But I guess I do deserve it for completely going against my words and embarrassing her in front of Joey.

Maybe that's why I did that little stunt. Maybe it was all because of Joey. I can't deny the fact that I was jealous of the way she ogled over him like he was some supermodel. I also can't deny the fact that I've always had a teeney-weeney crush on Cassidy, which is top secret information that I have never disclosed with anyone. Maybe I was just attempting to get rid of Joey, because a part of me was hoping that after we had finished sharing such an unforgettable night together that Cassidy would view me as more than a friend. But she didn't. She just went right back to her stupid crush.

Maybe another reason why I did it was because I knew we were going to be distanced from each other shortly. I was switching schools and I really didn't want our friendship to dwindle since we wouldn't have classes or teachers to talk about. It would have hurt me too much to have awkwardness eat away our friendship. Maybe I did it to have a reason to split the two of us apart before distance did its job.

No matter how many theories I have for the reason why I completely broke all of my promises, I still had no clue why I have never apologized. I apologized for spilling water on her, for my behavior when I was drunk, and yet I could never bring myself to say I was sorry for tearing us apart. I was so scared to do so, mainly because I feared just how quickly the cries would escape my mouth. I hated crying, especially in front of a girl who absolutely despises me and can easily use all of my weaknesses against me.

"Are you going to say something? Anything?" Cassidy hissed, glaring at me sternly.

"No," I replied softly, letting my head hang down and turning my attention onto my fingers.

Cassidy stormed off of the mattress and paced around a bit, as if she was about to explode any second. She always has had problems controlling her anger and I always have found it irritating, but I think most of my annoyance towards Cassidy is simply because I am mad at myself for letting her go.

She ran her hands through her dirty blonde hair, tugging at the ends in utter frustration. "Are you serious? You have nothing to say to me? You don't think I deserve an apology?"