Kya Pyaar Karoge Mujhse....

Chapter 46- Answers

"Annika, I-

"I know I said that I forgave you and I did." She nodded. "But...I just want answers. Why did you...I know, blood and lineage means everything to you. But so much that you were willing to destroy whatever we had...whatever we could have had? I know...there was something between us. Was it love, was it affection I don't know, but it was there. And it was important to me. But wasn't it important to you? I know what you'll think, Annika you left too because your beliefs were everything to you. Yes, but, I also left because I wasn't ready to destroy myself, it had nothing to do with what was between us."

He slowly looked down, not knowing what to say.

"You know, when you came to know that I was an orphan, I was scared of losing you. But I never thought that I could also lose myself. The fact which never gave me any problem was the same fact you held on to and made me question myself. And I hated myself for it that's why I left." She said as tears wet her cheeks. "I knew I had already lost you...I could not bear to lose myself and I know it may sound utterly selfish but yes, I am selfish. Are you not?"

He sighed and kept looking at his shoes, at the grass.

"Didn't you always think about yourself when it was the question of us? How it affected you that I was an orphan. How was your reputation at stake because of my unknown origins? How you felt when your principles and beliefs were questioned. How yousuffered, how you had to make decisions. It was always about you." She chuckled. "Did you know that you had no right to make decisions for us if you never believed that there was an us?"

He nodded, his heart hurting slowly.

"Did you ever consider how I  felt? At whatever was happening? I was being questioned every time I was in a room, by eyes, by words. Don't tell me you didn't listen what your mother had to say to me." She said and looked at him. "But you never said anything to her. And I was affected by her words a lot more than your silence, you know why? Because your silence meant you agreed with what she said. You agreed I was road's trash, you agreed I may be someone's dirty blood, you agreed-

"I never-

"You did!" She suddenly shouted and stood up, crying freely now. "You always did! If not, then why didn't you tell her to stop saying all that to me? If you were the Great Wall of Shivaay Singh Oberoi then why didn't you stand in the middle of us? Why Shivaay? Was I of less importance to you? Did my feelings matter so less that you couldn't even bother to...and I hate you for that."

He looked at her with shock and kept sitting as she cried.

"And then you came back, demanding to see me, to meet me and say what? Why did you leave Annika? How could you be so blind? How could you act as if nothing happened and that I just vanished without a f*cking reason? And then...you say sorry and ask me to...to reconsider! How could you even think that-

"Annika...I never forced you...I you want to say no, it's-

"It's not about my answer Shivaay! It's about your question!" She said frustratingly. "It's not about me Shivaay, this, it really is about you! Because I want to know, how could you think that everything would be...sorted so easily? I think that you thought all that because you believed that whatever happened...it wasn't a big deal...that it was a mistake to be just corrected...that it was just a deal you had to crack but it's not Shivaay and it never will be!"

"Annika-

"I know I said I wanted to be practical about this but I have been nothing but practical for the last four years and now, I want to be emotional about this! This is not only about our future or my work or Shivi or Sahil's life, it's also about me, my feelings, what I want. I told you I was scared of myself and the day I started to consider...this new life with you...that day, I was terrified of myself! And I am still today!"

She cried and almost fell down when he rushed to her, to hold her, to help her.

"No." She shook her head and held up a hand. "I don't need your support...where was it years ago?"

"Annika...I am sorry-

"Please...don't say it because you feel compelled. I don't want your apologies until I know that you know why you are apologizing." She said and wiped her tears. "Do you?"

"You were right." He said and nodded. "All these years...I felt empty, alone and I believed that it was because you left me. I never accepted that it was me who had given you the reason to do that. For four years...I blamed you for leaving but never looked into the mirror myself. And yes...I believed that if I would say sorry, everything would be fine as before. I can't believe I was that stubborn."

"You were always stubborn." She said and looked at him. "That was one thing I disliked about you...you were never open to change. Always wanting exactly what you wanted. Nothing else."

"I am really sorry. For never speaking up to Mom...I never did because I thought you wouldn't take her words to your heart and maybe...I was afraid that it was...true. I am ashamed of how I used to think like that. And I know that it was about our future,our marriage, our lives and I f*cked up. Sorry." He sighed and nodded, looking over at the park. "And I know...maybe all this doesn't answer your questions but...I don't know what else to say."

The sun had long settled and the night had fallen. A few stars blinked rapidly and a cold breeze touched their tensed, warm bodies.

"You know what." She said after a few minutes of deathly silence. "After all this...thinking...I realized that I am not ready for...us. I never was because I didn't think it was even a possibility. But now that...it is...I realize I need time. Can you give me some time?"

"Yeah." Was all he said, nodding.

"I can't promise...that I will say yes but-

"It's fine. You can take all the time you need and if you say no, I won't be...sad. I mean, I will be sad but I won't be upset." He said with a weak smile.

"You know why I need time, right?" She asked and looked at him.

"Because it's the question of your entire life. Because you are not ready to spend your whole life in a relationship that can crumble any moment. Because you are not willing to take that risk yet." He said slowly, staring at her.

"Couldn't be more right." She chuckled, surprised at how correct his answer was. "To forget these four years and take a decision that big in just four days, it's simply not possible."

"I understand, I really do." He said and stood up. "Uhh...I'll walk you to your car, it's pretty late."

She nodded, stood up and they started walking slowly towards the exit gates of the garden. As they reached the parking spot to her car, she turned towards him.

"You will...message me when you leave?" She asked.

"Yes I will." He smiled and nodded. "I'll see you?"

"When?" She asked with a soft frown.

"Some day." He shrugged and she smiled.

"Sure."