I Was Made For Loving You|P.Parker{soulmate AU}

Chapter 17

hi okay heres a WARNING this is gonna go deep and there will be some suicidal/self harm stuff going on in this chapter, i just.. i don't know my 3 years of being clean was around when i wrote this (or already came up. depending on when you read this [its May 12, 2015 when i stopped] ) and when its close to the date i just feel depressed. i don't get it either..

OKAY ALSO if you're not going to read this chapter, don't worry, i won't write much about this in the next ones, i'll just not write what y/n has done and when they talk about it, trigger words won't(hopefully; being people have different trigger words) be mentioned

~y/n what are you doing?~
Peter got no response,other than the colour red.
deep, blood like red
~y/n stop~
the colour red still
~it's not your fault Peter~
Peters heart rate picked up, causing mr. Stark to rush in "Parker what the hell is happening?"
"y/n" he simply replied, pulling out all the thing attached to his body "Peter!" Mr. Stark called

"we need to get to her" Mr. Stark gave him an odd look
"all i can see is blood red and she told me it's not my fault so we need to go now" he urged "Happy!" Tony called, helping Peter to his feet "ye-"
"we need to get to y/n's now"
"what?! i just got ba-"
"we have to"
----

y/n picked up the little blade she once took out from her sharpener years back because the stupid lead was stuck.
she slid it between my fingers
"sharp.." she mumbled, lightly pressing it onto my wrist, not enough to draw blood,
no. not yet,
she did this when she first took it out as that little 5 year old smart ass she was .

"y/n what are you doing?!" Ethan called, running into her room and smacking the blade out of her hand "i.." tears began streaming down her cheeks
"hey, hey...its okay, i'm sorry..i just..don't do that okay?.you'll get hurt"
she nodded, wiping her nose

i am hurt Ethan. mentally and i just want the pain to stop. at least temporarily. i don't want to feel this pain anymore.

she pushed the blade harder, grazing the skin and finally drawing blood.
and she felt it. i felt the pain,
just like she wanted to.
she wanted to feel hurt somewhere other than my heart.
so she did it again, the strides much longer than the first.
and again.
and again.
and again. blood covered her right arm. but she needed more.
she need more because her heart still hurt. so,
she switched arms. slowly, the blade pierced her skin, and she let out a small groan. watching the blood seep out felt...good.
it pushed away all her other thoughts and made her feel more calm.

that is until the door slammed open.

"y/n!" Mr. Stark ran into the room, pulling the blade out of her grip and throwing it across the room. he took her arms gently and examined them
"why are you doing this?" he asked, tears began to fall to his cheeks
"no one wants me" she whispered so quietly, that Tony could barely understand as he wrapped his arms around her "i do. i want you. you're my little girl y/n"
her head tilted to the side "no. that's. wrong if you wanted me. you would've been here. you would've fought for me"
"hey..i-- y/n!" Harry ran past Peter--my soulmate who was just standing there, staring at her.
wow.this makes it worse. now he's not going to want me even more now.
Peter was silent, but thousands of thoughts were flooding through his mind. so much y/n couldn't even see them all. Harry's eye welled up with tears.

"no..no, y/n" he wrapped his arms around her as well,

Peter didn't know what he thought he would find, but it wasn't this.
her arms covered in blood.
her own blood from wounds she made herself. to say he was in shock, was an understatement. Harry and Tony were comforting her and he didn't know what to do.
~why?~
he had asked but got nothing but blurry red spots and pictures of Ethan, and her young self from the first time she took out the blade. her eyes found Peters and he couldn't pull away. he didn't know how to.
why would she do this? hurt herself like this.

without really thinking, he ran towards where the blade was, picked it up and threw it out then sat next to her, taking her hand into his.
she flinched away and sobbed she tried to get out of all three of their grasps "leave m-me alone" but Peter could hear her thoughts, she doesn't really want anyone to leave.
she just doesn't know how to ask for help anymore.
she doesn't know how it feels to be helped because she's always the one to help people and get nothing in return.
~i'm not going anywhere~ Peter told her
as she pulled knees into herself, trying to close them off and get as small as possible
~let me help you~
"and then what? you're going to help me then leave me again? you're going to make me feel better then you're going to go, leaving the wound deeper than before"
Peter gave Tony and Harry a look, begging them to go so he could talk to her alone, Harry was hesitant to leave but stood up and left.

"i'm sorry" Peter finally said "it's not..i just. i don't want you to get hurt-"
"every time Peter. thats always it. you say you don't want me hurt but i get hurt either way." Peter stood up and tried to help her up
"come on.."
she wouldn't take his hand
"fine" he lifted her then sat her down on the bathroom counter and began washing her cuts "i..i realized that. and i'm sorry okay. i'm so, so sorry but please let me help you. let me be there for you now. i promise you i won't ever push you away again" she shook her head as Peter wrapped a bandage around her arm "please. the whole reason i tried not to be with you was because i wanted you safe"

"i wanted you out of harm's way and i never noticed that i was the one hurting you the most by doing this"
thoughts were swimming through her mind
Lying?
pain
hates you
alone
stupid
doesn't want you
ugly
"stop it!" Peter said, louder than he'd expected it to, she pulled her arm away
"y/n please. i'm going to make this better i promise"
her head raised and she looked him in the eyes
"all promises get broken at one point. just ask Nick"

gjshssvsk the tea just keeps getting hotter🤔