Home is With You

Twenty-Two

"So you boys didn't see anything? Nothing?"

We all collectively shake our heads no. The administrator sighs and stands up to look out the window.

Time has passed...I'm so unsure of how much. I haven't talked to anyone. Not even Takashi or Krolia. The feeling hasn't left yet and I feel incapable to even lift my pencil to do classwork. I can't wake up sometimes or sleep due to crazy thoughts in my head.

I know it's January fifteenth, 1974. The snow is still outside and it's more of a sheet of ice. The cold wind and snow remind me of that day. Ever since that day, I found myself smoking the cigarettes I bought daily. Ever since that day, I can't get the smell of gasoline out of my hands. Ever since that day, I can't rub off the guilt.

I burned down homes and ruined precious possessions. I ruined a family holiday because mine was falling apart. I ruined my friendships because I'm too stupid to comprehend other people's feelings. Now, it's all I think about. I'm always thinking about who's angry and where it's directed towards. Most of the time I assume it's me. It's hard convincing myself no one isn't mad at me.

Ever since that day, Lance calls and walk me to class, he shares a joke but I'm like a brick wall. I can't bring myself to laughing. I can't bring myself to feeling much anymore. I can't bring myself to even pick my head up and make eye contact. Lance notices and tries talking to me but it's all the same. Silence. He tells me he loves me and I want to do the same but the emotion isn't there. Nothing is there.

It's tiring. In the shower, when I'm sitting, trying to physically rub away the gross, guilt I feel inside, I cry. I cry because I want it all to be over. I'm so sick of being a terrible son, being a terrible adopted-son, being a terrible friend, a terrible ex-lover or lover or...something. I'm tired of knowing what I did and keeping that guilt and no one believes me.

"Alright, you boys may be dismissed." The administrator sighs, running his thick fingers through the little bit of hair he has left. We all stand and leave.

Lance stays by my side, talking to me and sharing a weird story. He laughs at it. He stares at me with his smile. He never changes, never. He's always happy. Really, he hates himself. He feels worthless and I'm only contributing to it by not feeling anything.

"Keith, follow me." Lance takes my hand and drags me to what I thought was a janitor's closet or an empty classroom. In reality, he dragged me outside, down the steps and into the parking lot. The wind was cold and just reminds me more. I swallow away the pain.

"Keith I'm so...I'm so..." Lance begins, unsure how to continue. "I'm so...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I fucked up and I ruined everything. I was just...scared. He found it so important to come on Christmas Eve and talk to me about some dumb rumor. I was scared what he'll do to you." Lance takes my hand. His voice wasn't a whisper, it was loud. I look at our hands and I open my mouth and hesitate a little. "Keith I love you and I will scream it from the mountains if I have to. Just...talk to me. Say anything...you can say that you hate me or...or that I'm awful. Hearing your voice will just make everything so much better." He licks his lips, desperate. I look him in his eyes. They were glossy and pink, tears threatening to pour out. His hands were cold from anxiety.

I open my mouth to say something, but my throat stops me. I close my mouth and look away. I feel tears begin to pour out and I don't stop them. The feelings were back and they were those guilty ones again. I let out small sobs and Lance pulls me close, not caring who knows or sees. I wish I were the same way.

Takashi and Krolia both grew concerned and took me to therapy. It was typical. It came out the way I thought it would. I tried to talk and when I did I tried to explain what I was feeling but I just broke down and cried. The doctor said I was dealing with major depression and maybe some anxieties. The doctor said to come in weekly and they'll help. For now, I should express the way I feel to people. How do I do that when I don't feel much at all?