When we first met . . .

Chapter 29🥀

I kiss him again, but he stops me. "You know This..." he says referring to my body so close to his. "is not all I want. You know that, right?" I stare at him.

"I know." I look deep into his eyes. "Does that mean you don't want to..."I ask ashamed of how shy I feel.

"oh no. I do." his wicked smile makes me blush. "but it's not all I want"

"ok," I say confused. What does this mean? Why is he acting so weird? I know he doesn't want me only for my body. That thought never even occurred to me. Not wanting to overthink this, I continue kissing him, tasting the after taste of alcohol as we kiss. This time he doesn't pool away and he is kissing me back, showing me how much he cares for me.

"You are amazing," he says against my lips.

"Really?" I ask breaking our kiss looking in his eyes.

When I was with Darren I had a lot of self-esteem issues... I never felt comfortable with my body, or with how I look, but Shawn gives me this... feeling that I am beautiful, that I'm amazing, as he just said. He makes me so special unlike how Darren used to make me feel.

He nods shyly. I stare into his eyes, my eyes are starting to get watery from his kind words that overwhelm me and my heartaches.

I close my eyes and I kiss him once more. Don't cry. not now, I tell myself.

He closes the door walking over to his bed throwing me on it, and crawling on top of me. I gather all my strength to push him so I'm now on top of him, he likes to be in charge, but this time, I want to be in charge. I want to be the one looking down at him, appreciating his perfect body underneath me.

"Wait," He says the moment I sit on his waist.

"What?" Did I do something wrong? I know he likes to be in charge but come on. I want to take part of the fun.

"I don't think we should do this," he says. I'm paralyzed, his words shock me and I don't know what is happening now. This is awkward. The tears that are now filling my eyes are there for a different reason. I thought that...

He looks at me and he sits down. I shift off of him sitting on the edge of the bed. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed, humiliated even by his rejection.

"I'm sorry. I thought..." I push the tears back "I thought that's what you wanted.. you asked me to come over, and you gave me all these hints... when you opened the door you were nearly naked. I'm confused... Did something happen?"

"No no." his open wide In shock. "It's just, I don't want us to get too attached." He takes a deep breath. What?

"I won't be able to come over all the time and I know you can't afford flying all around the world just to see me. I have no idea when we will meet again. My schedule is pretty crazy. I just want to be around you, you know? I don't want you to think all I care about is your body when there is much more." He says.

But I though- "Oh my god. Listen to me" I say scooching closer to him. "I can't ignore how hot you are and sometimes I would want to have sex. I don't see why that's not ok? And YOU texted me. YOU said you want me, I don't get it. You know I know you better than that. And of course, I would love to spend more time with you to just, hang and get to know each other. I get it that your scared of how I'll react. And your right, I do have low self-esteem, I'm completely aware of that and I'll be honest with you. I know I have issues. But come on, after the last few weeks you really think that I think all you care about is my body? If you don't want to have sex that's fine. I just don't get why you said you don't want us to get too attached... That kind of hurt and confused me" I say with complete honesty.

"Wait what? No. You got this all and completely wrong. I didn't mean we shouldn't have sex. I don't want to stop having sex with you. Never. I won't. But I just..." he inhales. "I want more than that. The little things count."

He is so confusing. When texting, I was sure he wanted me here just to sleep with me, I knew that wasn't his only intention, but I thought it was clear what he wanted...  and now he says this. I'm just so confused. "So what were all the things you said earlier?" I ask not meaning to sounds as hurt as I am.

He blushes his cheeks turn a lovely shade of red. " After last night and the shower this morning, I just missed you. Your body. Your presence. I'm sorry. I don't know what is wrong with me." He looks down at his legs.

What he fuck is happening?

"I just.. I thought.."

"You thought?" he looks back at me, looking completely broken. What the hell is going on with him right now?

"I don't know... you were all flirty with the texts and when I came here you were so sexy and I just..." he moves closer and he pushes me closer to him holding my head with his right hand and with the other moves my hair back behind my ear.

"Look, I drank a little before you got here and I'm a bit tipsy, I don't know what I'm saying. If you don't want to be with me I'll get it" as he says that, I can hear it on his voice. He sounds... drunk. I haven't even noticed. I thought I tasted a bit of alcohol when we kissed but I wasn't sure. He is drunk and it is kind of obvious because he talking shit.

I stare into his eyes, but he closes them inhaling deeply. "How could you say that? Are you crazy? You just acted so weirdly, I was a bit concerned. Over the texts, you sounded so needy and now you are so distant. It's a bit strange." He frowns.

"My manager told me this is a bad ides," He says throwing me off guard.

"what?" I ask.

"A couple of minutes after you texted me you are coming, like 30 something minutes ago, Andrew came over and asked me if I want to go out and eat dinner with him and a few other guys." He looks at me knowing what I'm thinking. "Andrew is my managers' name" He clarifies, and continues. "I said no because I'd rather be here with you. He knows that we came back here for you. I told him all about you. And he told me that it's a bad idea to do all this for a girl who I'll probably never see again after this week. He told me I should move on, and that my lifestyle is too much for this to work out" he inhales. "After he left I told myself that it's not true, I went to take a shower, I needed to think about it. What if he was right? What if this is too much for you? I know how hard it has been for you in the past few weeks and I just don't want us to get too attached before it ends. So I drank a couple of bottles of beer and I was about to text you that you probably shouldn't come over but then you showed up, and I was so happy to see you I just-"

"wait a second" I stop him trying to understand what he's saying. "Are you breaking up with me." His eyes shut and I push his hands off me.