Backstabber [#Wattys2015]

Backstabber

*

When I first saw you I was young, about 10 perhaps.

You were sat on the sofa I remember, invisible one moment and then visible the next. I couldn't remember how you'd gotten there so quickly, and I didn't know why my mother couldn't see you - it was only later I realised that no one could.

It was just me and you.

No one else could've spoken to you; no one else could've helped you. Loved you.

You were handsome - I smile as I say this. Did you know that?

You were the best looking young man I had ever seen, yet you couldn't have been any older than nineteen or twenty. Your eyes looked like they had seen more than they ever should have. Like a war.

At least that's what I thought, and I felt for you. I didn't ever want to see you in pain.

Ever.

Thunder rumbles in the distance and lightning flashes, momentarily lighting up the gardens below.

Come to think of it, it would've explained why you were dressed the way you were in such old-fashioned clothing. You smelled of tobacco -- they had tobacco back in those days didn't they?

Did you know I never told anyone about you? I didn't see the point.

I thought that if no one else could see you then it was for a reason, and should've stayed that way.
But you always looked like you were in so much pain - like you needed my help even though all you ever did was nod your head at me in acknowledgement whenever I would pass.

'I know now that it was all a lie...' My inner voice hisses.

You never did need my help.

More thunder.

A streak of lightning flashes close to the gardens, causing me to look down. Nurses are hurrying through the grass, shielding themselves from the storm. I grin.

That should be you running through the rain getting soaked. It'd be the least you deserve after what you did.

My hand freezes as I trace a single droplet of rain against the window. It's beautiful. Delicate. One of a kind. Just like you.

When the droplet comes to a stop I lean back on my bed again and stare up at the ceiling. I hadn't even realised I'd moved.
I suppose that's what thinking about you does to me.

'Why..?' My inner voice murmers. If I could picture it, it would be gazing off into the distance, staring remorsefully.

The heartbreak is etched clearly in its tone - how I wish you could hear it.

I need to know why. We both do, my voice and I.

All I ever wanted to do was help you, that was it...

My body's currently fighting against the drugs that are slowly putting me to sleep. The doctors said that I need them to keep me calm becasue I would hurt myself otherwise. Another grin. I'd scratch myself over and over, not that you'd care.

You know why I do it?

Because I want to feel something - perhaps the pain of your betrayal. But now I realise that nothing can ever compare to the pain that you gave me. The pain that now is me.

I shut my eyes and clench my fists.

'Why..?' It echoes again.

It's always the same - wanting to know why you caused it so much pain, so much hurt.

'I love you.' I mouth at the ceiling before bursting into laughter.

Of course I do - you knew I did. And still you deceived me.

Once again your beautiful face flashes into my mind. That firm jaw with those soft brown eyes had me hooked from the beginning; I should've known that you were trouble.

You could never have been mine.

Backstabber.

A small tear escapes my eye as the thunder rumbles loudly in the sky, rattling the windows. It starts to hail and pounds relentlessly against the panes.

I was talking to you when my parents overheard me.

You didn't respond as usual but you were staring at me intently, waiting for me to finish. When I blushed because you didn't answer, you smirked. It was at that point that I nearly fell onto my knees, you were so handsome.

But I don't talk to my parents anymore, you should know. They still come to visit me but I don't speak to them, or of them. Why should I? They put me in here just like you did - I owe them nothing.

My lip trembles.

Schizophrenia.

That's what they think I have. And depression.

They may be right. It would explain why no one else could see you.

I sob to myself. But you looked so real, so real to me.

The way you stared into my eyes so sorrowfully - I could relate to your pain. You see, I also knew what it was like to be detached from the world - to be cast aside by everyone you'd ever loved, but you never gave me the chance to tell you.

Never gave me the chance to explain...

Before you came to me, my parents divorced.

I was always ignored; instead replaced by bickering. It was like I was no longer their daughter. I no linger existed.

They never looked at me, I was an empty shadow. It was only when they'd overheard me talking to you during another of their arguments that they finally took notice of me and sent me to the doctors. Things went downhill from there.
Before you know it I'm stuck here. I tried to commit suicide apparently, but I don't remember any of that.

Not that I want to.

I allow myself to let out the long wail that I'd been holding in, before closing my eyes. I'm fighting the drugs that they'd given me again but I won't be able to fight them for long. First I want to do this, I need to explain to you my pain...

If only you could've spoken.

If you'd said something then my parents would've believed me. But you never did.

They would've heard you.

I only wanted to help, that's all I ever wanted.

My eyes close again and I take a deep breath. I'm going to sleep, and when I awake it will be a new day.

I hope you're happy with what you've done. I could've helped you but you never let me. I could've helped you...

Slowly I let my eyes close. I feel my hearbeat slow and my mind becomes cloudy, stilling almost to nothing. There's only one thing I have left to say to you, backstabber, only one thing:

I love you...

I smile one last time before letting my eyes drift to a close.