Faina Holly-Shit!

FHS-Nineteen

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                              •FAINA•
        How has my days been? Not so great. It's been bad. I've been crushing down and it hurts to look at Carl now. It turns out Lisa wasn't the only friend he slept with. He came clean to me himself hoping I would forgive him for what he did. Coming clean to me made me feel I wasn't enough for him.

I was never enough for him and that thought badly stings. Why couldn't he be faithful to me when I did everything I could to please him?

All I ever did was be cool with his cheating after I found out and move on with him because I loved him but I can't do that now. Not with Lisa. Not with my friends. How stupid I must've looked to them when I talked about how he loved me whenever we met up!

    Because of him... I let Sam Ray go. Because he came back, I messed up my life and did stupid things with him. My heart still beats when I think of what I did with him. I feel scared that I'll keep loving this kind of man who loves screwing my life up. Why am I so stupid?

"Faina we can talk about this. I could've kept the truth but I wanted to come clean before we start a new life together. I'm really done screwing up Holly. Let's work this out please." he said and I sat in the couch staring at him.

"Say something Holly. Your silence is breaking my heart."

   "I can't do this anymore Carl."

"I'm sorry okay. It even happened years ago and she came onto me. Why are you going to make me pay for something that wasn't my fault? I even told you myself. Shouldn't you be glad I did tell you?"

   "I wish you didn't."

"You're really complicated Holly. You wanted me to come clean to you and I did so what's your problem? Why are you making me regret so much." I stood up from the couch angrily and he took a step back. "Use your words. Don't start throwing things at me." I heaved a long sigh. "I'm sorry babe. I'm really sorry."

    "Selfish motherfucker!"

"That's harsh." he grinned and I threw my phone at him. He caught it before it hit the ground in his palm and sighed. "Holly stop throwing things at me. You're going to hurt me."

    "I want you to die. Die so I never see your face ever again!" I yelled at him and he stood calm. He put my phone on the chair and sighed.

"Here I was, thinking I was trying to solve an issue that happened three years ago with you. It hurts that it was just a fucking quickie and it was such a bad boring sex. I know that I fucked up in the past and I'm trying Faina. I'm really trying to work out this relationship. I blamed myself for not working out what happened with you and James when I saw you with Sam. I don't want that to happen again so I'll go ahead and die as you want me to."

   "Please do." I walked out on him and he sat down in the couch sighing. "I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired of this!" I screamed out and tears followed. "I'm really tired of this."

   I left to see Sam the next day and what he said to me got me in tears the whole time before I got to Lisa's apartment. Lisa watched me wipe off tears and she sighed. "Really Fay, what's your problem? You left on your own and got back together with your 'ex' so why are you here crying? You thought he would welcome you?"

   "I don't know what to do Lisa. I still love him and I really hate Carl now."

"Girl, its been two months now. He is probably dating too so work it out with Carl again like you always did and let Sam go. You're going to hurt him again if you go back to him."