Lesbian Dancing After The Show: An Improviser's Non Improvised Life

Some Secrets Are Best Kept Unknown

Your dad would like to get a hold of you.

Wait. I thought he was dead.

Well. I lied.

This was the big secret exposed when I was thirty-one years old by my mother. The fact that my father was indeed not dead, but living in Florida.

Does he want to get a hold of everyone?

No, just the girls.

Why not my brother?

Your brother is not his son.

Dun dun dun! When will this conversation slow fade into a Tide Commercial?

What I Do Best: Make my mom laugh with veiled Soap Opera References.

My mother's long-forgotten story about my father dying in 'Nam or saving children from a burning building should have been left as is.

So by request, I mail a package to him. It's a PR Package of my life: Every review clipping of the theatre I had done. Pictures of myself and my husband onstage. A letter saying I did not feel the need to reconnect but if he wanted to come to Chicago and see me perform at Second City he was welcome. Tickets are 15 bucks. I wasn't even going to comp him.

The Postscript read: Enclosed please find highlights of my life that you missed.

A week later my sister Angel calls. She tells me he has called her and ranted two hours about his insane life never asking about her. She informs me that he got my package. Always the curious one, I ask what he had to say about my life in a package.

His response: She looks like A BIG GIRL.

My father is THAT GUY.

Some secrets should be left unknown.

Flash Forward nine years later to San Francisco.

I'm in bed. The phone rings and my husband answers the phone. He says just his first name. I think it's my friend with the same first name who was a comedy driving instructor in San Francisco, asking me to take over a class. I put the phone to my ear and say Hey darling!

The voice on the other end sounds like Darth Vader.

Hello, this is Malcolm, AND I'M YOUR FAAAaaaather!

At this point in my life, I'm doing okay. About to shoot my first film ever in Berkeley, running an improv festival and repped by a really good agent in Los Angeles.

Some secrets are best kept unknown.

He starts by giving me notes on a video of me online and how the guy kissing me did not know how to kiss.

Ooookay....I'll pass that along? Thanks for calling?

He then tells me he SAVES people.

How do you do that? I ask.

I help people in need.

How?

I take seniors from one place to another. Pick them up and SAVE them.

So...you're basically a driver at a senior citizens home?

(Pause)

I SAVE PEOPLE.

Some secrets are best kept UNKNOWN.

He starts talking about Bloodlines. How that's important. He won't let me get a word in edgewise. I can't get out: I think you are less bloodline and more sperm donor...but shine on and keep talking, you crazy diamond.