Lesbian Dancing After The Show: An Improviser's Non Improvised Life

The Pregnancy Diary: I Just Called To Say I Love You. And, VOTE!

February 5th 2008. Election Day. My stomach had been inappropriately patted ten times, with one virtual stomach pat.

It was a barrage of testing. Blood tests where I felt like I was being milked like a cow. Doesn't matter if you tell them that your family does not have Sickle Cell running through it. Here is that blood test just in case Sickle Cell has become "Airborne."

Why did I get a Syphilis test? Did my German Husband and I look riddled with Syphilis?

Being pregnant is like buying a brand new car. It seems all of a sudden there are a million cars like yours on the road. Same color. Same make. You want to honk at the car and say: Hey! I got a Blue Honda too!

Hey pregnant lady! I'm Pregnant too! Good god, look at this! A news report out of the blue that tells all women who can get pregnant that they should be taking Folic Acid! Are they making the news just for me now?

Trying to figure out how to get over "Night Sickness" as it hits anywhere between the hours of 8:30PM - 4AM. Thanks baby. Appreciate that you are making mom sick during prime theater performance hours.

Give me a suggestion of something to throw up in or on right now instead of this stage.

Me: (to audience at Boxcar Theater) I'm Shaun Landry.
Husband: I'm Hans Summers.
Me: We are going to do some long form improv. Might be a little slow considering I'm pregnant....

(No response from audience)

Me: (Milking it hard) JESUS! Let me say that again. I'M PREGNANT!

(Applause)

Me: (Looking at Hans laughing) Like they care. Oh look another Black woman who is pregnant. Ain't there a shit load of you in Oakland?

(Audience huge laughter. Yeah. I know what you are thinking)

Maybe the Stomach Pat Count should be replaced with So how many babies does this make for you?

I want to say This will be my seventh child. This will be my husband's first and let people just stare at me and figure out how many baby daddies I might have.

The shock and awe of This will be my first and last was tiresome.

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Throughout all of this, the bed rest was the best. I slept in late. Unfortunately the numerous companies who called my home office at ghastly "Non-theater person" hours of the day had no idea.

Yes. That would be at 8am. That is a Ghastly Non-Theater Person Hour. Got a friend in theater who does that for a full-on living? Be kind. Call them at 10AM.

This day, I was roused out of bed by the phone. That 8am call. Generally, the only people who calls at 8AM either wished to clean my non-existent carpets...or it was my husband with some sort of emergency, where he will ring the phone twice.

The phone at 8am this morning. It could be Hans. I take that chance.

I pick up the phone and answer.
On the other end is Stevie Wonder!

OH MY GOD! IT'S STEVIE WONDER! How did Stevie Wonder get my phone number?!? Oh my fucking GOD! Stevie GODDAMN WONDER!! Songs in The Key of Life STEVIE FUCKING WONDER! Hotter Than July STEVIE FUCKING WONDER! Jamming with Prince STEVIE FUCKING WONDER!

Little.

Stevie.

Fucking.

WONDER!

As anyone could probably tell at this point I'm still half the hell asleep and not getting the idea that Mr. Stevie Wonder is a recorded message to remind me to vote that day.

Hello this is Stevie Wonder and (breaks out on piano), I just called to say I LOVE YOU!

You just cannot get any better comedy at 8AM in the morning. Stevie Wonder called me to say that he loves me.

And of course to vote for Barack Obama.

It's funny when you actually talk to a recorded message. You know it's recorded. No one is around...but now you are just cracking yourself up.

Wonder: Hello, this is Stevie Wonder...
Me: Stevie Wonder! Oh my god...Hi Stevie!
Wonder: and (Piano) I just called to say I love you...
Me: Oh Stevie...that is super nice. Did you know that I was pregnant?
Wonder: Remember to vote for my friend Barack Obama.

Me: (sadly) Oh. This is what this is about. Yeah. You sing his theme song. (Sarcastically) Sure. I know. So guess what Stevie! I'm...

It was too late to tell Stevie Wonder I was pregnant, Stevie was gone. It was kind of like a drunk dial. He called to tell me he loved me ...talked about something completely different ...freaked out and hung up.

Stevie. When you want to talk about "us" give me a jingle back. Preferably around 10:30am, please.

That day, I went around the corner to vote. And I hated to say it then, but I'm pretty proud of the fact now: For the rest of the day "I just called to say I love you" was running in my head.

I was quiet about it then when said I might or might not vote for our now President Obama...

I'm proud now to say that I did. Twice.

Signed, sealed and delivered. I was his.

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