The next obstacle is called the Bobsled Run. Don’t let the name fool you. Bobsledding in mud would be a blast. It is merely a disguise for “The Descent into Hell.” What the bobsled run actually is, is a long (as in never-ending) path straight downhill into the depths of the canyon down natural berms. I walk like I’ve got some sort of impediment because it’s all I can do not to roll down the hill in a mass of surrender.
Strongman runs down like he does this on the daily, same with Superwoman whilst Gretzky is stuck waiting for my sorry self. We make it down hill, only to get to the Hero Walls.
This is fun!
Even the shortest wall is too tall for me and since I cannot lift my foot to my head, I cannot get onto the small step to hoist myself up and over. Gretzsky gives me a boost. I bet he’s having the time of his life! I bet he woke up that morning and thought to himself, “wow, I simply cannot wait to boost L up and over Hero Walls.”
Same thing happens for the second wall. I’m fine jumping over. I just can’t get up. The third wall is tricky. It’s backwards, so there is no step at all. Holy fuck! It took someone real creative to think that shit up. I now can’t get up and over without the step, so Gretzky lifts me up and Strongman pulls me over both at the same time. I don’t feel quite as bad on wall three, because Superwoman needs help for this one too, and Gretzky in fact ends up sacrificing time to help boost several people up and over the third wall.
Once that debacle finishes, we go to the cargo crawl. This is crawling in mud on your hands and knees through a mud pit. That one was actually not too bad; at least I did it without assistance.
The next obstacle is hero slides. It’s gigantic, inflatable slides (like a kids bounce house). I climb this thing like I’ve been doing it all my life and slide down. Maybe I will be a mud hero vs. mud zero after all. We are two for two.
Then come over and unders. Pretty self-explanatory, up and over a barrier, followed by a crawl on your belly and under. BOOM. I do that like a champ. I’ve now earned that beer on my shoe chip!
And I’m three for three! Hells yes!
But then it happened. The beginning of the end. The “Mud Slides.” Climb a ladder to the top of four watersides, all aimed at a pit of muddy, slurpy water.
Superwoman: “How deep is this?”
Mud Hero Guy: “Meh, about 3.5 – 4 feet. Put your feet out when you hit the bottom and you’ll be fine.”
We sit in the slides. Its like icicles shooting little pinpricks into ones skin. We all launch at the same time. I slide down the freezing water and right before I hit the mud, I do as the man said and put my feet out.
I want to know what planet this guy lives on that is 4 feet.
Unless I shrunk more than 12 inches overnight, the pit is most definitely over five feet.
I’m living (barely) proof.
Down I go.
Completely submerged into the murky water below. This may actually be a secret vortex into hell.
It’s fucking vile.
There is sludgy water in my ears, in my eyes, up my nose and in my mouth. Gretzsky and Strongman and Superwoman are busting a gut laughing at me.
Hardy har. But I can’t say I blame them. I bet I look like a total gem. A diamond in the rough.
Next is crawdaddy creek, or, alternately, a gigantic pit of slippery mud you have to walk your waterlogged self through. I’ve gained five pounds at least in mud and water and it’s more like going down a slip and slide on your feet. I can’t be sure, but I think I held Strongman’s arm.
Mud Hero -- Part Two
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