HATELOVE

32

I continued to give Sadie space. If she wanted to see me, she knew she could reach out and I'd be there. Obviously as time went by I grew more and more discouraged about this ever happening.

Months passed and I enjoyed watching my Christmas album drop with both successful sales and great reviews. I was currently working on my next album while promoting the holiday one. I'd written tons of songs since the last one came out, and now it was a matter of culling them down to the very best ones. I'd start recording after the new year.

I was back to spending a lot of time in Toronto. For a long time, my condo held too many memories of my lost love, but time heals everything. Or so I kept telling myself. I still wasn't dating or even hooking up. I hadn't had sex since I'd been with Kristin, which was definitely the longest I'd gone without it in my adult life.

Late one Friday afternoon, I was at home half-watching a movie while scrolling through Twitter and Instagram. I looked at my explore feed and the very first picture was of Mark and Sadie. I clicked on it. It was Mark's account. Owen, Lil, and a couple other mutual friends had liked it, which explained why IG thought I'd want to see it. If only it knew.

The picture was one of those cuddly pics he was so fond of. The caption was an airplane. Great. They were probably going on a weekend getaway together. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the comments. Lil's stood out.

Congrats! ❤️

Congrats? What the fuck did that mean?

I looked at other comments. There were several other congratulatory posts. Someone I didn't know asked where they were going. Mark responded.

"Vegas!"

My heart sunk. Were they going to Las Vegas to get married? Mark had said they were headed in that direction. Maybe he already knew it was definite when he'd brought it up to me.

I stood up and ran my fingers through my hair, pulling at it to the point that it hurt. I felt sick and anxious and near hysterics.

Sadie told me she loved him, but it was clear after the clinical trial that she still had feelings for me. Had I imagined how serious those feelings were? Maybe I had. It wasn't impossible that I saw what I wanted to see because I loved her so much. Still...my gut told me she was not over me and that she might even still love me.

I wanted her to be happy. Really. I did. But when she talked about him, I never got the sense that he was the one. When I saw them together, she appeared to be content, but there wasn't the electricity that she'd had with me. Would she settle for someone who she wasn't head over heels in love with? Settling was always a mistake and so out of character for her.

I paced around my condo as I tried to sort my thoughts. I'd said I wasn't going to fight for her, but suddenly I wanted to. There were things that needed to be said before she married Mark. She had to know how I felt.

The IG post was from earlier today. What were the odds they'd gone straight to a chapel to get married. Slim, right? You wouldn't do that right after a long flight.

I sat down at my kitchen counter and went online to look at travel options. There was an 8:00 PM direct flight on Air Canada. I booked it, though I'd need to hurry since it was an international flight and I had to allow time for security. I had no idea how long I'd be there, so I decided to just buy a one-way ticket. I could make my arrangements to get home later. Next I went to my room and packed a small suitcase. I eyed my acoustic guitar since I brought it with me everywhere I went. At the last moment, I grabbed it. No matter what the outcome of this trip was, I might be inspired to write a song. I hoped it wouldn't be my most heartbreaking ballad yet.