HATELOVE

15

I didn't sleep for hours. I laid in bed, flat on my back, staring up at the ceiling.

In a few short hours, Sadie and I would talk. I'd have to tell her I lied. The big question running through my mind all night was whether I should tell her everything.

Sleep must have taken over me eventually, because I woke up with a start in the morning. I looked at my phone and saw it was still pretty early. Given that I was wide awake, there was nothing to do but get up.

I got out of bed and stretched. My body was achey. I remember being told that carrying stress to bed would do that to you. I had no idea it resulted in feeling like you'd been hit by a truck.

After pissing and brushing my teeth, I threw on some shorts and a t-shirt and walked out to the kitchen. I knew Sadie was up before I saw her because I smelled coffee.

She was sitting at the kitchen island drinking from her favorite Dunder-Mifflin mug.

"Hi," I said.

She looked up at me, her eyes full of sadness. "Hi."

I got a coffee and sat next to her.

"Sadie, I love you so much. Hurting you was never my plan," I told her.

"I believe that," she said softly, looking at her coffee, "but it doesn't change that you lied to me."

"I know."

She looked up at me. "Before you say anything, I know that what you did wasn't cheating. That's not the issue. We weren't exclusive, and last summer we weren't together at all. As much as it hurts to know you were with someone else, that's not what we need to talk about. It's the lying. I need you to tell me the truth now, Shawn."

So here it was, the thing that had kept me up all night. Should I tell her everything? I knew I had to. I took a deep breath and plunged forward.

"You know I was fucking Rebecca. That started in the spring of last year, and I know that means it overlapped with you. At that time you never asked if there was anyone else, though you sometimes made comments that I ignored."

She nodded.

"After you and I called it quits, I saw her a lot more. I tried to use her to fill the void you'd left."

"But she left Toronto?" Sadie asked. "That's why it ended?"

"Yeah, but that was around the time I realized there might be a chance for us, so that worked out well," I explained.

There was a long pause. I reminded myself that coming cleaning, completely clean, was the only option.

"She wasn't the only one, though," I told her.

"No?" she asked, not sounding surprised, but very obviously disappointed.

I decided to start at the beginning.

"There was Allie, who you met when you showed up unexpectedly. I told you I sent her flowers and fucked her the next day. Then I told you I'd lied about that to make you jealous. I hadn't lied. I really did fuck her and continued to see her occasionally for several months after that."

Sadie gulped. "And there were others?"

"Around that time, not regularly. And I didn't see Allie or Rebecca as much as I saw you, if that means anything. There were a couple times when I'd travel that I'd hook up with someone. Oh, and I lied to you when I said I didn't have sex on tour. I did. Not all the time, because I really was either exhausted or traveling like I'd told you, but it happened."

On some level, it felt really good to spill my guts about this. It had been eating me up inside even since Sadie and I had declared our love for each other. There had been dozens of times when I'd planned to tell her. It's not like I didn't know I'd made a huge mistake. I knew it.