My Grade 10 (S.Y. 2018-2019)

Aaron

October 10, 2018

Hmmm...
I don't know where I'm gonna start but I just wanna have a message for you here.

Now I'm just gonna start at the very first day when I met you. It was the first day of school, I remember getting nervous just going to IMA, a school wherein I don't know who my classmates are going to be. Are their gonna be bad or are their gonna be like last time the ones who wants me to come and join them for their bad influences? That was what I was thinking that day. I remember too that day my whole body was shaking as in literally.

Then as I was getting inside the room almost all of my classmates were looking at me. I was really nervous that day. As I was sitting I notice some of the girls have some pretty faces. I noticed three of my types was there but now I don't have any feelings for them anymore. But almost all of them wasn't my types. As the time of that day passed on, I realised it was already break. I think there were some girls (Eane,Bianca,Krisha) who came over to my seat and asked me who I was. But I didn't reply because I was nervous and I can't really speak properly that day.

All day my head was thinking when is the bell gonna ring and what will I do later on. Will I go to Novaliches or just stay at home? Then as days passed, it was already Thursday and I was chosen by my teacher in TLE to report on the board by myself, I mean it's only just the first week and I was the only transferee there. I thought that I was gonna absent just for Friday and I'll make some excuse for my teacher next week. But my addiction already kicked in and I was absent for a week at first then I was present for a day then three weeks.

After that incident, my mom said to me that I need some inspiration so that I'll continue going to school. The day I went to school after the three weeks and three days I was absent. One of the three girls I have a crush on was at my seat and she saw me looking at my chair then went to the chair besides me. I was really happy that day because of her. I thought that if she was gonna be my seatmate. She's gonna be my inspiration through the whole school year. I remember getting close to her by talking about our hobbies and things like that, I was really suprised when she said that she was half-japanese. We also came up with a closure because of anime and Japanese songs. I remember thinking that I was pretty smart and that I came up with a reason to befriend her on Facebook. As we were chatting my smile on my face can't seem to disappear. My siblings were teasing me, saying that ''another girl again''. Everyday I was very happy with my life inside the school. I always wanted to have a longer school time back then, when I was head over heels with the girl I loved.

Many days or weeks passed on, there was this one day that I was absent and I was chatting my classmates where is kj and asking did she came home safely. Then, surprisingly Bianca said to me that kj was with her. And she asked that will I be going there at the 7/11, I replied yes. Because she was there. When I came there my classmates were all forcing me that I should sit besides kj and talk to her. I remember forcing her to hold my hands when really she wants to hold hands with him (the boy he loves) I think that was the day also when i confessed my feelings to her and I also asked if she wants me to be her boyfriend. She replied saying that she was really red, she's not used to having boys confessing their feelings to her. Then she also said that I need to get her best friends agreement first before hers. I thought that getting a girl was so hard, are all girls like this? Then as days passed on, her best friends realized that I was making no effort, I too realized it, but how can I make her mine? I've taken so much advices from many people but I just can't seem to take it into actions. There are times that I give up on getting her attention and effort to get her just because of the boy he loves. She just can't seem to erase him into her mind. And it hurts that I'm here at her side but she don't love me. I cried saying that to my mind over and over again.

At that time, I have a friend at my last school to calm me down. So whenever I feel like depressed, I go to Bulacan and see her. Just to help her socialize with other girls and I ask her what would girls like to a boy. As the second grading came. Our adviser said to us that were gonna have a seating arrangement. I think that was when my feelings for her started to disappear. I don't know why it disappeared it was just gone. Kj started to realize it, saying to me that why am I not noticing her and stuffs like that. I was pretending to love her and I was holding hands with her but with a bad feeling because I don't want her to fall in love with me now that I'm at a state of confusion as of why my feelings for her disappeared.

As time passed on, one day kj wanted to talk to me, she was downstairs eating with her best friends. I walked downstairs and found her along the way. I asked her that what did she wanted to talk about. She replied that why am I distancing myself to her. I was just saying sorry and I said to her that I wont do it again. But I just can't come up with a reason to lie with her. So when she cried I just thought that I should just tell the truth. She was really crying when we went to the corner when I said to her that I don't have feelings for her anymore. I just didn't know what to do should I calm her down or something if it was the two of us i would've done that but her friends are with her. So I can't. But I can't blame them, their worried about kj. I think I'm just a coward for not doing something like that.

A girl crying because of me, it just hurts me to see her crying. I said to myself that, I should've just lied and said something else. But that isn't good for the two of us.
That's all I think. I'm not very good at writing letters especially in English.

P.S sorry kj kung nawalan ako ng gusto sayo. Sorry kung opposite nmn tau ngaun. Ikaw nmn may gusto sakin tapos ako nmn walang gusto sayo. But dont worry time will pass and mawawala rin yang feelings mo saken. Sa tingin ko pag tapos ng 3rd grading wala na yan. Tsaka sinabi ko na sayo to at sasabihin ko ulit para naman maliwanagan ka. Wala na akong gusto kay mikee. I treat her as a friend right now. Tsaka rin kila shannon and danah. Wala na rin akong balak sa ngayon mag ka girlfriend. Kahit na may mga nag coconfess sakin mga ganun. Satisfied na kasi ako sa life ko as of now. Tsaka mahirap pag sabayin league and girlfriend. Sana napasaya kita sa mga panahong may gusto pa ko sayo. Sa mga panahong mag katabi pa tau. Delete mo na lang tong draft na to kung gusto mo okay lng. Bye and thank you for understanding.