Project: Socialize (Chapters 1-197)

179. Her Diary

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Oct 26, 582 A.C.

He came into my room last night, and for the first time, he saw me without the aid of my medication. It must've been extremely difficult for him as his countenance was extremely heavy and gloomy, so to try and cheer it up, I tried to play a little drinking game with him. As it turns out, he was quite afraid himself about my eventual passing. It's quite soothing to know that I'm not the only one that's paranoid.

Today, the two of us spent the entire day together. Like expected, it was extremely soothing to be by his side. I just feel like I can forget about my worries and just be myself when I'm with him.

We also released wish lanterns into the air tonight. According to legend, if you were to write your wish on the paper lantern and allow it to fly up into the air, the Gods will grant you a wish. I wouldn't tell him what I put, but Alevian, since I gave you the keys to my diary, so I guess I'll tell you here. It's not like it will matter anyways since I'm dead.

My wish was: I don't want to die.

Looks like the legend is simply just a legend and holds no truth in it if you ever have the opportunity to read this.

So...my hands trembled as I held the diary in my hands. She was afraid of death from the very start... And I...didn't notice it until it was too late. I...

A sense of depression and guilt slowly filled into my chest as I realized what I had done. Throughout the times that she had shared with me, I was simply overthinking it, thinking more of myself than of her. I didn't realize that the fearlessness she had on display was simply an act. I had simply just framed her into the image of someone who has no fear of death. Yet, the reality is that she's afraid just like everyone else. And because of this stupidity on my end, I made her live while in fear. I didn't even do anything to help her...

Dec 22, 582 A.C.

I've realized my mistake in dragging Alevian into my cursed life, and I want to do as much as I could to lead him out of it. That is why I asked Loyd to pretend to be my boyfriend. I took advantage of him, forcing him to take part in my plans while keeping everything a secret.

Hopefully, when Alevian sees that I am dating Loyd, he would slowly distance himself from me, and ultimately fade away from my life. That way, when it comes time that I am to go, it wouldn't pain him as much.

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Dec 30, 582 A.C.

I am hospitalized.

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Jan 8, 583 A.C.

Alevian, you've came to see me in the hospital, even bringing me that cheesecake that I've missed so much. When I saw you, I just completely forgot about my plans as I needed your presence to help soothe my mind of the numerous days of depression and melancholy that I had experienced from this boring hospital stay. You also seemed to be in some sort of dilemma yourself, so I was too occupied with wondering what it might've been that caused someone like you to be troubled. I was actually worried about you. But, I'm sure in the end you'll figure everything out. As for me, I still have to figure out a way to push you away even further.

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Jan 9, 583 A.C.

I know that you will come by and visit me sometime today. Even though I don't have any solid evidence on it, I just know it. I guess you can say it's a woman's intuition? But that's not important.