LEMONADE|| Keith Powers

Chapter 62: Perception

"I felt like I was just there. My dad didn't have time to show me what a real man was. I mean, when I think of my dad I just saw a man that's very busy. that's way too busy for me. I thought that was the right thing to do so when he would come home and fall asleep I knew he was out providing for us. My mom was just his doormat and she didn't want to argue with him every night so she'd just do everything he'd asked and my brothers they were fast. Just doing what young boys do. I felt alone all the time, I barely had friends" Kamaya answered

"It's crazy because my brothers call me difficult all the time. My dad calls me a spoiled brat and a headache but I don't understand why I'm not respected. I'm the one that had a baby at 14 and gave up my dreams. After I had Rudy Jr I worked for my dad. I was a damn bottle girl for years. Ricky and Dreux were the ones that lived and got to venture out. But I'm spoiled, I was the one that made sure the dancers were out on time in the best condition. I was the one that put models on... but I'm spoiled" she rolled her eyes

"So it sounds to me like you grew up in a household where you raised yourself? You and your siblings" she said

"Yes" she sighed

"When I ran into my ex-boyfriend Rudy. He paid attention to me, he loved me, he took care of me and he genuinely made me happy. I fell in love with him and we had children but as years went by he was doing the same thing my dad did. Super busy all the time not paying me any mind and once we lost our son it was over from there. How do you carry a baby for 9 months and then a year later he dies in your arms? I'm angry as fuck sometimes.. okay " she blew her nose.

"Tell me about your new boyfriend Kasey?

Kamaya wiped her eyes "Ahh he's great, he listens to me, he cares, he's attentive to every little thing about me. He challenges me ... I hate it so much but I know its out of love. He genuinely cares for me but I'm just not used to it but also when he tells me about myself I feel attacked" I explained

"So when you overheard his conversation why did it make you angry? She asked

"Because I felt like he wasn't being honest with me. I feel like he loves me but I feel like he may not want to be with me...but since he knows I'm vulnerable right now he wants to stay because he feels bad. I have issues but I'm not a damn charity case" she frowned

My therapist took off her glasses crossing her legs. "Did you communicate this with him right?

"Yes, and he called me a headache. Every time we get into it he throws my insecurities in my face. He doesn't know how many times I've been called a headache and how it makes me feel. I never used to be vocal about anything as a child. Whenever I saw or felt something. I kept it to myself, then as I grew up I started to get fed up and because I'm expressing how I feel I'm a headache. I feel like he's trying to fix me... I hate feeling this way" she said sadly.

"Maya you have a lot of childhood trauma that you have to cope with; your upbringing is the reason why you act the way you do. You're resentful towards your father for not loving you enough, you're resentful towards your mother for not nurturing you enough, your resentful towards your brothers for not paying much attention to you. So what I really want you to do is to talk to your family and express yourself" her therapist Amanda told her.

Kamaya was finally understanding the reason for her ways. "You see, sometimes when you're not clear on the reason of your behavior you can't change it. Maya what do you really want out of life? How do you want to feel emotionally?

"I don't want to be like my mother. I just feel like some fucking damaged goods that just makes babies. A fucking baby machine that just lays on her back. I have a career and all but I know I'm more then just a mother; I can't even think outside of who I am" she broke down.