Paranoia ✓

XVIII: Joe - The Pilgrimage of Tears

Sure Joe had lost his job, but the armed forces of the greatest country in the world knew they couldn't completely let go of him. He was that good. Although Joe wouldn't be blowing up terrorists from the comfort of his own chair in an air-conditioned building within the desert of Arizona, he did land a spot in a new anti-terror division within the National Guard. Freshly enacted after the Tri-City bombings most people called the 'Baby Bomb Plot,' the new anti-terror division, nicknamed the Electric Eagles (EE for short), recruited him for his field experience in the Syrian War and his technical skills with drones when he worked as a pilot in the Air Force.

Joe still couldn't believe he had lost his job. He thought he had it planned out so well. He was going to pretend to be drunk (okay maybe he was just a bit drunk) and tell his friends the story behind the drone strikes in Yemen. Apparently, some asshole from the NSA was spying on him and reported his conduct as a breach of trust. Joe was not supposed to speak a word about what went on in the control room. This one time offense cost him his job.

But it was all water under the bridge, because tonight, Joe was gonna round up some terrorists—and he didn't even have to board an international flight.

Two minutes. That's all it took to round up the offenders. Joe could almost picture an NFL announcer, maybe the glorious Joe Maddon, announcing the play-by-play of the night's raid.

First the pregame show. The mission was to invade a mosque located in Queens, New York, that was believed to be harboring weapons and bomb-making materials. Joe was debriefed in one of the National Guard's transport buses. While on the bus he started to make some comparisons between the National Guard and the rest of the armed forces. For starters the bus. The bus was nothing but a yellow 'cheese bus' painted in army fatigues and the chairs were aligned against the two walls instead of in rows. That was kinda pathetic. It looks like the EE had to make due with a small startup budget.

But that's cool, because they have me, he thought. He will bring glory to the EE, and soon states and the Federal government will start to really fund their militaries like they're supposed to. He was the star quarterback signed by a really shitty team to make them unshitty. We are the backbone of the American Empire. That's right, the American Fucking Empire. Say what you want about our influence in the world, but no one can deny that we have influence. The world either bows down at our feet in fear or despises us out of jealousy. Either way we're one giant fucking country with a giant fucking army that needs a lot of fucking money to maintain it—and Congress should be writing the military a blank check to make things go as smoothly as possible.

Still, the National Guard had a command structure, some pretty kickass weaponry, and decent intel, so maybe they weren't so different after all. They just gotta update the damn bus.

Speaking of structure, the commanding officer was just about to debrief the group on the mission. His name was George, but everyone called him the Bullet. Legend has it he's been shot 27 times in one day and lived to tell the tale. Joe couldn't decide whether it was bullshit or if this guy was the second coming of Jesus Christ.

"Alright ladies listen up! Tonight we gonna bag us a couple of no-good terrorists. Now if it were up to me, I'd blow dem soms-of-bitches up and set fire to their remains; but my orders come from the up top. We are gonna keep this quiet, and we gonna time this shit perfectly. If you'll look up here at the hologram you'll see the most ugliest mosque I have ever had the displeasure to see. Shit looks like three castrated ballsacks stitched together with a gay rights flag that's caught a little bleach stain across the middle. Those three ballsack-looking things are towers. Some holy people pray up there, but we have reason to believe they're lookouts and quite possibly sharpshooters. Hence we won't be dropping you guys off on their welcome mat like some stork. We're gonna drop you off here, three blocks away. You will then split up into groups of three and proceed on foot casually towards the structure. There are four entrances into the building, in all cardinal directions. You will be posing as civilians to blend in, but you will not harm any civilians. We are a division of the National Guard and it'd be some evil-ass irony if we start shooting up some of our own.

"Now you are equipped with suppressed P97 semi-automatic pistols and Q27 suppressed submachine guns. Both are to be concealed and only withdrawn once inside the structure. While you guys are in and securing the structure, we will block off the streets surrounding the mosque within a five-block radius. Once we have the terrorists in custody we will investigate the mosque to locate and confiscate the weapons and bomb-making materials. Although you may wanna shoot these Muslims on site, those are not our orders. You only shoot if you feel threatened or are being shot at. Any questions?"

Joe couldn't resist shouting. "What if they look at me funny? Can I shoot them then?"

The Bullet didn't acknowledge his question verbally, but he did show a slight grin. "Alright girls let's move out."

The group responded with a loud cheer and they began leaving the bus in groups of three. They quickly arrived outside the mosque. The countdown, in seconds, began. Cue Joe Madden:

0:00: The communications are established amongst the four teams of three. All men are in position and ready for the game to begin.

0:15: The offensive teams storm the mosque and draw their weapons, calling for everyone in the building to freeze.

0:30: Oh no, it looks like a surprise grenade from the third floor is sailing through the air and has clanked onto the wooden floor. The defense was prepared to counteract the EE's dynamic offense.

0:35: The star quarterback Joe calls out a play, "Grenade!" and ducks for cover. Many of the other men react as quickly as they can and take cover behind marble pillars.

0:40: The grenade game ball explodes, spreading shrapnel across the holy building. Joe gets a piece of metal lodged into his right leg and he curses out loud.

0:55: Joe screams a play for the men to return fire, and he takes out his Q27 and starts blazing away. He spots three men up top with AK-87s raining bullets from above.

1:10: As the men up top stop to reload, Joe easily peaks around the cover besides a marble pillar and returns fire. He knocks out all three men, who carelessly do not take cover. Such a simple play when you're reloading, it should almost be like second nature to a soldier in the game!

1:30: But these men are not soldiers, they are amateurs. Four more men appear on the ground floor with guns and Joe sprays a barrage of bullets at them and they all go down to the slight wisps of the tiny bullets squeezing their way past the suppressors.

1:45: The rest of the EE players in the building gain the upper hand and quickly subdue the last remaining opponents. Those who are not dead have surrendered, putting their hands up and mouthing some random noises in a foreign language.

2:00: And at the end of this contest you'll find it was no contest at all for the terrorists who lost ten men in total, with six men having surrendered, and the search for weapons was all too easy for the EE. All in all, it was a crushing blow to the terrorists. They're gonna have to watch some film to figure out what exactly went wrong.

Okay, Joe thought, it wasn't the greatest Joe Maddon impersonation, but hey you get the point. Yet, as Joe limped around to inspect the aftermath of the carnage, the suppressed smart side of his brain couldn't help but wonder whether or not these terrorists were Americans too. If they were, then he strangely received a quenching satisfaction for spilling their blood.

But the proof was in the mosque, the guns, the grenades, the retaliation; these men were cold-blooded terrorists, and they needed to die. Joe couldn't help but agree with Harry Sayder and his proposal to not only keep Muslims out of the country, but to also herd them into private towns for the American public's safety. That way we can keep an eye of these crazy psychos in case they wish to try anything funny. What was the corny name for those shit-holes—Muslimvilles? More like Terror Towns. We should just round them up in some TT's and blow them to hell where they belong. Any Muslim is a suspect now—even those hiding behind "holy buildings" and their God.