keeping up with the koreans.

episode one: a real messy bitch

commentaries will have a '°' ahead of themselves to eleminate confusion as much as possible.

—

it's been about a week since they've moved in and started and the boys have found their personas. that's all that can be said.

taehyung huffed as he scrolled through his feed in his daddy pig sweatshirt- you know those cheaply made- yeah, you get it. seokjin was at the island counter, stirring a bowl furiously.

"so i was watching the oven wash my dishes, right?" taehyung started up after a while of silence after his hyung finished what he had to say. jin nodded as he whipped out a whisk and went to town.

"so yoongi comes in and he's like: 'whO THE FUCK STEPPED IN MY JIMMY CHOOS, IM BOUTTA HAVE A BFF, A BITCH FIST FIGHT' so i'm just like: 'damn, not me go talk to jimin' and he tromped off, there was actual steam coming from his ears and jimin was in h-"

"OHMYGOD."

"i know, right? he was pissed-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR DUMB STORY BITCH." he threw the whisk at taehyung; it got caught in his hair.

"this whore right here, rachel ray?" seokjin pointed at one of her tweets. "shE FUCKING STOLE MY ZERO CARB ZERO CALORIE ZERO AIR RECIPE AND CLAIMED IT AS HERS, THAT FUCKING BITCH, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS."

° "okay so what the fuck?" taehyung exaggerates seriously as the whisk dangles from his head. "i thought my story was important but i stand corrected. rachel, how fucking dare you?" he sat back and crossed his arms, visibly pissed.

"the hell?"

"YES, IM FUCKING PRESSED." seokjin yelled, slamming his hand down on the countertop, the entire room shaking. the camera people parked up a little, getting a close-up shot of jin's ticked off face.

"the hell is this screaming for?" jungkook groaned after coming downstairs, rubbing his head.

"seokjin hyung just had an en-"

"RACHEL FUCKING RAY TOOK MY MOTHERFUCKING RECIPIE AND IM FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PISSED MY FUCKING DICK ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING FUCK WAY OFF."

"sweetie, holding in your pee is no way to live life." jimin looked up from the couch.

"is that literally all you caught from our screaming conversation?" taehyung looked unimpressed.

"yes actually, i was busy watching lifewithmak." he unplugged one of his earbuds. "sister's sister smacks send me running after my wig. it's currently soaring."

"but jin, honey, i always pee in my spanx. life is crazy, but you gotta get used to it." jimin held out a supportive hand.

"i'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT PISSING PARK JEEMEEN, IM TALKING ABOUT BEING PISSED"

"oh em gee who pissed on you? that's horrible"

"shut the fuck up before you get cut the fuck up you dumbass blonde bitch."

jimin simply raised his eyebrows and looked back down at his video, shoving the other earbud back in.

° "he was clearly issued." jimin flicked his hair, pulling back the right side of his mouth into some unamused, confused expression. "i tried. my ears were orgasming, i couldn't understand properly."

jungkook stood confused at the stairway, itching under his shirt as he picked his nose a lil bit.

"that's why my only friend is taehyung's gucci bag."

"thATS WHERE IT FUCKING WENT, JEON KUNGJOOK, YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO." taehyung snarled.

"shit bitch"

"god, i thought me and rachel were besties." jin sniffled as he proceeded to stir.

"i always thought stretch marks were bad, like worse than getting the wrong shade of foundation. but this.."

"but that's the same bitch who said cool ranch doritos sucked. pathetic." taehyung snorted.

"your conversations are too long. goodbye." jungkook turned on his heel and used his wheelies to wheelie his way out the front door. he was in an old, worn out white t-shirt and october flannel boxers.

"excuse me whore, at least i don't dick down pumpkin lattes the second autumn rolls around, so sit down and do your homework." taehyung, now overly talkative and agressive, barked.

"go shove a used tampon down your ear." jungkook hissed back, a rock getting stuck in his wheelie as he went outside. he stumbled and fell, skidding across the pavement. jungkook quickly rolled back inside, his knees and elbows scratched up.

he wheelie-d (hah wheelie is fun to type) up the stairs, grumbling as he went.

° "ugh, i had my first period today. i guess i finally hit puberty." jungkook huffed, his voice cracking loudly. he coughed and returned with a woman's voice. "at least i can operate those phone sex things now. whoopee for first jobs, amirite?"

namjoon emerged through the open door, holding multiple grocery bags.

"the hell happened here?"

taehyung took a deep breath before speaking. "rachel ray came for seokjin's bran-"

"THIS LITTLE SHIT RIGHT HERE TOOK MY ZERO CARB ZERO CALORIE ZERO AIR RECIPE AND IS CLAMING IT AS HERS? DUMB BITCH BETTER CATCH THESE HANDS"

"woahwoahwoah let's calm down."

taehyung suddenly speaks up, showing seokjin a page in his notebook full of plans; some involving mathematical equations.

"come. we'll devise a plan." taehyung had never gotten along with jin this well, but something snapped inside of him and he did all of a sudden.

seokjin did his little "EEEHEHEHEHEE" and stomped happily, tromping up to taehyung's room.

hoseok stepped out of the bathroom, his nose in his phone as he itched his ass. yoongi came downstairs as well, walking to the fridge to grab a danimals.

as soon as hoseok saw yoongi, he sped off at top speed, loud clacking coming from the floor.

"IT WAS YOU." yoongi spat, throwing his strawberry-banana half-drunken danimals at hoseok who had his jimmy choos on.

"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK-" hoseok dropped his phone as he ran from a surprisingly fast yoongi who easily caught him but the small man was immediately out of breath.

"you can't fuckin' run from me, dickhead. that's what the skreets of daegu do to you, my g." he tugged hoseok by the collar of his shirt, yanking him hard into the house.

"speaking of." he dangled hoseok's phone in front of his face, logged onto rachel ray's twitter open for 'vegan casserole,' aka seokjin's zero carb zero calorie zero air recipe.

hoseok gasped and reached for his phone but yoongi snatched it back and slipped it in his back pocket. in the process, he tugged off his studded jimmy choo's and muttered under his breath.

"hoseok, you shady bitch." namjoon squinted, only really knowing about yoongi's heel issue.

"and uh, yoongi, why do you have heels anyway?" he asked, itching his head.

"i did a show with trixie and katya."

"nO FUCKING WAY- TRIXIE MATTEL AND KATYA- THESE HEELS WERE IN THE SAME AIR AS THEY WERE?" jimin squealed, ripping out his earbuds.

"you do drag?" namjoon asked on the other hand, mildly amused.

"i did it once, me and trixie are p good friends my man."

"HAVE THEM OVER TOMORROW I WANT TO BE IMPREGNATED BY THEM" jimin screeched.

"we'll get to that another time. taehyung, grab your biggest, phattest gucci belt and bring seokjin downstairs with you." yoongi yelled up to the two.