Baby Madness

Chapter 47

"Sorry I can't do that."

Maybe I was dreaming. Maybe this was just the effect of alcohol. But if this was just a dream or a hallucination, I hope it would last for a long time.

This wasn't the first time that he hugged me, but we both know there was something different. Something had changed. And I don't know if that was a good thing or not.

"W-why?" I sobbed, still confused about his actions.

Narinig ko naman ang malalim niyang paghinga. He was caressing my hair with his right hand while his left rested on my back. He was warm.

"Mukhang kalmado ka na," he whispered. Bumitiw naman siya sa pagkakayakap at tiningnan ako sa mga mata. "Lagi ka na lang umiiyak kapag tayong dalawa ang magkasama," he added as he brushed the tears off my eyes and cheeks.

His delicate touch made my skin tingle. The way he looked at me with worry was enough to make my heart flutter. Mas lalo lang akong naiyak dahil sa ginawa niya dahil hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang nararamdaman kong 'to.

"Kailan ba kita makikitang nakangiti?" he asked, a melancholic smile pasted on his face.

Napayuko na lang ako dahil hindi ko na naman mapigil ang pag-iyak ko pero natigilan ako nang bigla siyang gumalaw at akmang aalis na sa kama. The next thing I knew, I was already holding his right hand tightly, afraid that he'd leave me alone.

"Where are you going?" I asked while looking at our hands. Don't leave, I wanted to add but I was scared to hear or see his response.

"Hindi ako aalis," sagot naman niya.

"R-really?"

"Yeah."

My cheeks felt hot because crying, alcohol and embarrassment. The silence was filled with tension but it wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, I was relieved that he was here, even though I was indirectly telling him to go away a while ago.

"Gusto mo ba ng tubig?" tanong niya pero umiling ako. "Sigurado ka?"

"Mmm."

"Then you should rest. Ang dami mo nang nainom."

"I'm . . . I'm not drunk," I retorted.

"Yes, you are," he countered. "Bakit ba kasi ang dami mong ininom? Halos nakalimang shots ka at hiwalay pa ro'n 'yong dalawang malaking cup na puno."

"Because I want to get drunk." Naalala ko na naman tuloy bigla si Mom. "I want to forget everything for a while."

"Your Mom?" he asked and I nodded.

The tears I was holding back a while ago streamed down my face upon hearing that word. I still couldn't accept her condition. Hindi ko lubos maisip na pag-uwi niya ay wala na siyang kahit isang alaala tungkol sa amin. It would be like facing a completely different person. A stranger.

"Ang daya, eh," I sobbed as I tried to choke back my tears. "She can't say sorry anymore for the years she spent away from me. She can't feel guilty about the pain she had caused. She can't create any memories with me anymore. And I can't apologize, too, because she doesn't know anything. I don't know what to do or feel. And I don't know how to explain this situation to my siblings."

Iniisip ko pa lang kung ano ang magiging reactions nina Czanelle at Clark sa pagdating ni Mom, sumasakit na agad ang dibdib ko. What would I say? How could they understand something so complicated? How would I let them know that our mother had forgotten everything about us without hurting them too much?