Joyriding

April 2, 2018

Hey,

        So today I wanna talk about the one and only healthy relationship I've ever had, this guy was 3 years older than me but I had known him before we got together.

        He was amazingly supportive, he would see how I got along with Carlos and he never got jealous if I called him pet names or would tell him I love him, in fact when Carlos scared me, I only slept for half an hour that night since my anxiety kept me up after the call, and when I told Steven, that was my ex's name, since he knew something was wrong, I had cut off a call with him to talk with Carlos the night before, I broke down and cried, because I cant loose Carlos like ever.

             I told him so, I told him Carlos was all the family I had left, he was all I had, so I couldn't loose him, Steven in a soft voice told me, "I'm here for both of you, you both have me now, neither of you will ever be alone again" I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. Because my mind had been going on overdrive having only slept so little I ended up falling asleep on his chest, he texted from my phone to Carlos and told him the same thing and he assured him that he was taking care of me.

        Carlos knew most of my history with relationships, this calmed him down so much since we always would worry over each other. With Steven I actually went on dates, something I had never done with my past relationships, he even cooked a meal for me and invited me over to meet his parents, I was so nervous since most of the people I would be with would try everything to avoid their parents meeting me.

           He was also my only vanilla relationship, he was sweet and caring, never did anything to hurt me, even when we got physical, he was the person I decided was deserving of being my first due to him treating me this way, and he was so gentle, even if I never told him I wasn't a complete virgin, he didn't need to know those technicalities at that time since i reasoned he would leave me if he found out.

        But of course since we are talking about me, things never go well for me, so soon my grandparents found out I was dating him, and they decided to kick me out for DATING A PERSON this was their reason for throwing me out on the streets. Why you may ask, well because he had a different religious background to ours! He went and tried to talk with my family, accompanied with his own and when his parents found out that I was being kicked out, they wanted to take me in. I was happy about that idea since I would be able to get away from my toxic family.


        But of course my inability to say no to my family screwed me over, my parents called from Mexico crying and telling me they loved me and that I was to go back, I didn't want to, I wanted to leave their toxicity but blood is thicker and as always, I caved in and flew out back to mexico, they had promised I'd be let go back for the start of my last semester in college but I was stupid thinking they would, they took my passport away and I can't have it in case I get any idea.

          When I told him, I thought he'd run and be like I'm free but no he stayed and would message me every single day, he would tell me how much he loved me, I would feel so special and loved, even when my family would tell me he was probably going out and fucking other girls.

             Before having to leave we had our first Christmas together and he knew how much i love to read but I never told him my opinion on the divergent series and still that Christmas he gave me the entire book series along with the soundtrack of mockingjay part 1 from the hunger games series which I was obsessed with.  His best friend had told him that those were crappy gifts but he stuck by it and I love them, i was so happy because I had been looking for the divergent series to read.

           We were good for a long time, we dated for three years, up till four or five months ago when I broke up with him. I had a strong altercation with my best friends and it plunged me back into a strong depressive episode, it lasted many months, there were months where i couldn't, for the life of me, stay awake even 5 minutes. I had made up my mind, I was gonna finally succeed where i had failed so many times before but to be able to go without guilt I had to let him go, I messaged him and told him what I was gonna do, that he deserved better, since he didn't know my story, all this that I have written, and I told him I was not going to see the end of the year at least not alive and I said goodbye.

         I was going to do it one day, i had it all planned out on how and when but like 4 days before that  I met my "stalker" I started talking to a friend on wattpad and we became close friends, more on this person later. First comes the story of the altercation I had with my so called best friends, god, thinking about it makes me physically sick, maybe next time.

       Bye!

Stay frosty, my wickedly beautiful kids!
What do you guys think?
Songs for the chapter: The Grey by Icon For Hire and Hate to see your heart break by Paramore.