Joyriding

February 22, 2018

T/W: verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, family issues, mentions of depression, and homophobic slurs.

     Hey,

I guess i can talk about my grandparents since they also influenced my life, if it was for the better or worse, I really wouldn't know. Let's see, let me think of my earliest memory of them.

    My grandmother was diagnosed with bipolarity in 2001, I was 6 years old, I learned about depression and its consequences at a very early age, also its symptoms and how to hide them, both of my grandparents where abusive to me, when I was little and to my mom, when she was little, she would tell me how both of my grandparents would beat them if they messed up, so she just followed the pattern they left for her, which also included no form of affection. I only remember once that my mom gave me a hug in all my childhood, it was after a specially horrible beating where my skin tore on my shoulder leaving a scar i have to this day.

   My entire family is very religious, so when I was little if I was falling asleep in church my grandmother would take me to the bathroom and soak my face and chest in what felt like freezing cold water to wake me up. She was more of the type to harm me mentally, like as a child I struggled with Spanish, sure it was my family's native language but it wasn't mine and it was very hard to learn so to force me to speak it my entire family would ignore me until I asked for things in Spanish, i remember crying so many times since I simply couldn't and since I couldn't I was told how much of a stupid and ugly and how pathetic I was for crying.

Now my grandfather is a good man, the only problem is he doesn't understand mental health and believes it all to be a ruse, also he's very indecisive in the sense that he will tell someone one thing but if it makes another person mad he'll pretend he didn't agree, like for instance when I lived with them for a year and a half, I was 18 at the time almost 19, and as any normal human being I wanted privacy in my OWN room, but no my grandmother decided she would share MY room with me. How did I find out, you may ask, well I came home one day to see that my bed was now a bunk bed and all my things were moved! Sure I'm not a clean freak, yes I have things lying around but I know where my things are, I was so pissed, I talk with my grandfather and he said its fine take the bunk bed out and I'll talk with your grandmother, I did then he said he had nothing to do with it and blamed me for wanting privacy!

And my grandfather was also physically abusive, he had a very thick hand and his hits stung really bad, how do I know, well I was on the receiving end many times and like sure I was a hyper kid so before going anywhere he would hit me and I would ask why and his response was in case you were thinking of doing anything! Like bitch you just hit me for no reason except in case I did something in the future! I will admit that I still flinch when someone of my family gets too close or if someone approaches me from where I can't see and they touch or talk to me I will flinch or get really scared. The worst part is that I believe myself to be pathetic because of that.

Life with my family has always had it difficulties, like I am deadly afraid of bees, why i don't know, but my family thinks its funny as hell. I hate being outside because of this, and what does my grandfather do than force me to help with yardwork but after what happened the last time he said he'll never ask me again, you may wonder then, Nena what happened? Well I was helping him cut the lawn and there was a bumble bee hive there, fun fact bumble bees have hives in the ground, so I didn't know and pass with the lawnmower over the hive and the fucking attack me and at first I freeze then I try to get away, at which im in tears and terrified while hyperventilating and what did my grandfather do? Oh he just stood there laughing his ass off at me like it was the most hilarious thing to ever happen. My legs were filled with bumble been bite, second fun fact bundle bees bite so the can keep biting you and the don't die.

As my family is deadly religion they are not pleased with the LGBTQ+ community, they say they don't hate the people but hate their actions, little do they know im part of the B in that community and im afraid to tell them, since from my last relationship they found out, note i was 19 when I was in this relationship, when my grandparents found out they where going to kick me out for having a boyfriend, why you may ask since I was with a guy, well he was of a different religious background and that is why I was getting kicked out by my grandparents and if he and his family hadn't been there im sure my grandfather would have beaten me, his family was horrified that they were kicking me out and told me to live with them bit then my parents guilt tripped/forced me to go back to mexico, I sometimes wish I hadn't gone back to my parents, but that's a story for another day.

I should get going before I have a mental breakdown for the memories of my "loving" family. Oh well back to my life I guess.

Bye!

Song of chapter: I don't care by Apocalyptica.
What did you think of this chapter?
I have planned to write about some people that have impacted my life whether positive or negative ( mostly negative but a couple of positive ones).
Şŧąყ ʄřơŞŧყ, ŞɯɛɛŧקɛąŞ!