Joyriding

March 5, 2018

T/W: beatings, emotional abuse, phycological abuse, drug abuse, mentions of sleep paralysis and night terrors.


  Hey,


    So I'm back, I haven't died, just yet, so the next person to talk about would be my mother, she is a kind woman to others who are not me, why you may ask, well I'm her problem child basically. Let's start this with what I remember of her.

   My mother was in no way prepared for child rearing at the age she had me and my brother which was 16 for him and 18 for me, she was not really ready to be a mother at that age and who would. But it didn't help that I have ADHD which caused me to be a little tornado as well as her having post pregnancy depression after me. To this day I am reminded of that fact. Anyway she wasn't prepared to be a mom. Here are some stories that I remember of our "quality" time together.

   I don't really remember when the beatings started, they were always a part of our family, I would do something or would be barely up to something as they thought and id receive a beating for it. Like I've always been the type to draw and write on myself so yeah that would get me a beating even though my mother has tattoos. It got to the point where I would misbehave because i thought 'hell im already up for a beating might as well make it worth the pain'.

     Like the time I was 9 my mother ask if i wanted a younger brother or sister and i said "neither" then I looked at her long and hard and said " if you dare have another kid I promise you to beat the child every day" she replied " well if you hit them, I'll hit you" to which I made the comeback of "I don't care, it will be worth it". I was a complete lunatic because I would never hurt a person out of spite but my mother just brings out the worst in me always.

   I've always hated the fact of feeling or being weak but my mother has always known how to bring that out of me, this is why I don't cry in front of others, because it makes me feel weak.  I'm always trying to keep a brave fasquade in front of it all and I guess not having felt loved by my mother has made me feel less empathic at times.

     Like 7 to 8 years ago my grandmother died, she had liver problems due to ingesting many unprescribed pills, the night before she died I was present I was taking care of her and had to clean the brown blood that kept coming out of her mouth since her internal bleeding had made her have old blood come out of her mouth, and as horrible as I may sound I felt nothing as she laid in her deathbed nor after she died or the nine days of grief as is the mexican custom. I only shed one single tear and it wasn't because of my grandmother but my cousin, my twin, since she was raised by her, she was devastated and it hurt to see my lovely cousin cry. To be honest I didn't even go to the burial of my grandmother, my family owned a store that I managed all by myself at the age of 15.

   Oh, I know, why don't we talk about my last near death experience where afterwards my parents, both, chastised me for it. Ok, so we had gone swimming with friends before my two best friends decided to be all backstabbing, I let my extroverted side shine more, being an ambivert and all, we went into a stream where a waterfall was at and me and two girls that were/are my friends were pulled under along with me, I was the only one that knew how to swim so I tried getting the girls out, i felt the need to since they were younger than me and i was still very suicidal at that time, once more I was willing to give my life for them and in my need to get them out I forgot I needed to breath. I was more worried about them than myself, we were eventually pulled out but before that I felt everything get super bright and fuzzy, apparently we had spent more than 6 minutes under water and I hadn't come up for a breath once, when I was pulled out I was told I was very pale like I was drained of color and my lips were blue. Well my parents thought we had gone under on purpose so I was very harshly chastised in front of everyone, my parents have a thing for making a scene.

  Also for this part cue MCR's song Nana nana, why?, well because I used to be a Ritalin rat myself, i was about 9 years old, my wonderful mother let my physiatrist prescribe it to me. I don't remember much of it, I know that after 3 weeks I started abusing it and taking more that I was supposed to, due to it being a highly addicting drug to treat ADHD but it did nothing but make my brain all fuzzy all the time, i felt as if I had cotton balls inside my brain, I finished what was supposed to last 6 months in three, and then my mother took me off of it since my aunt did research on it and found out how addicting it actually was and she begged my mom to not give it to me any more. However this was far from my last time with drugs, but that is a story for another time.

   My mother even though she also had depression and that mental illnesses are common in my family, she doesn't get that i get night terrors and then wake up to sleep paralysis, sometimes at the same time and other nights its one or the other. For me music helps since it brings me back to reality, it makes me see that what I'm feeling or seeing is not really there and I can get my breathing back to normal. But my mother saw thar i did this and now has forbidden me from listening to music at night and even got to the point of ordering that my electronic devices be in her room before I go to sleep to make sure I don't listen to music at nights. I've been not having good nights and yet she doesn't give a fuck. Like how does it affect her since I wear headphones all the time. I would write my nightmares and how my sleep paralysis feels but I feel like I'd psyche myself into having more.

    I'm gonna stop here maybe I should write more on her, idk, maybe later I cant deal with all the anxiety I get from remembering and thinking of her finding this. Imma head off.

                   Bye!

 
    Stay frosty, my lovelies! <3

A/N: So what do you guys think, should I talk about the sleep paralysis and night terrors, and make another chapter on this person?

Songs of chapter: Perfect by Simple Plan, Told you so by Paramore and To my parents by Anna Clendening