LETTERS TO REALITY ✓

YOONGI

You got sick of my shyness and so did I but it was never intentional. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I always felt like I was the girlfriend you never asked for. You went into our relationship thinking I'd be some sort of prodigious gift. But was I? I don't think so.

It'll only end if someone gets off right here. We're acting like we're comforting each other. But it's mixed with thorns.

Behind the scenes, we were a mundane couple about to fall in love, no idea what to expect. We believed in a forever at a young age, how simple-minded of us. We didn't even know it's definition.

You loved me throughout everything and I still don't understand why. You loved me when I couldn't love myself. What was that even like?

Messaging you was a priority. Waking up and sending you a good morning message was part of my daily routine. We'd talk and say we love each other every day. I couldn't go a minute without talking to you and now I know why my parents thought I was addicted to my phone, because of you, you, you.

In eleventh grade, a year after we started dating... We finally shared our first kiss. You had waited so long, and I was terrified because although I knew you'd have the title of my first kiss, I was fearful because I had never kissed anyone, I didn't know what to do, say or start. But you leaned in, making me follow your lead and I was glad I brushed my teeth an hour before you came. I knew I'd have my first kiss that day. Your soft lips met mine as we held on to each other tightly, finally knowing what it feels like to kiss someone you love more than anyone else.

We moved on from high school, relieved and ready to leave the impotent subjects, the restrictions, the suffocation, the toxic people, in the debased, never craving past. We still held onto each other- best friends that were lovers yet so much more. We were more in love than we had ever been, and we wanted to marry each other.

How naive! We saw a future with each other.

College started. The distance between us increased, physically and emotionally. Petty arguments and disagreements increased. Our love increased but it was less evident.

I would start to avoid my friends, not realising I wasn't really living because my phone held that much importance to me. The virtual world was becoming my reality. Although you were studying elsewhere... You were all I wanted, wow. Does that make you feel good?

Even though we lived ten minutes away from each other's houses, we never saw one another. We both never tried. Why did it feel like we were in a long-distance relationship? Is a question I had never asked you.

Your ex-girlfriend came into our relationship, along with an excessive bucket of jealousy that tipped over me every day. The girl that was your first. The girl you spent years with, had every experience with. Do you know how much it hurt to know you were spending more time with her than with me? Do you know how many nights I stayed awake, wondering why you were at her house, late at night and not replying to me? Do you know how it broke my bones, trying to fight for your attention with someone I didn't even know?

If we didn't have feelings for each other.

If we didn't think of each other. Would we have dragged it out like this?

I was an innocent girl who got corrupted by love, the side of love no one tells you about. The side that has no mercy when throwing you to your bruised knees and it makes you forget the pleasant memories. Instead, it fills your mind with everything unfavourable.

Today I told a friend about us which was a surprise. I don't talk about you anymore. But it feels nice to talk about you sometimes, I don't do it a lot and I probably end up talking to myself. I cried a little and I ended up remembering a lot of little yet... Momentous things. It hurts because I had it all with you, I had everything set, a future and I was a better person. You made me better. You saved my life. You stopped me hating myself, harming myself.