Business Secrets

Chapter 18

As I get home that day I just fall into my bed exhausted. I'm glad I told Viktor. It seems so much easier to handle now that I have someone to turn to. Still the problem remains. It's a fight I have to simply face alone. Still I don't know what to think or feel. I love Harry. I always have. But the way he acted today, especially with Anna makes me doubt so many things. Then again there is this thing with Paul. He is such a good guy and he actually cares about me. My god he looked so devastated this morning. He trusts me, he lets me talk freely in a meeting with a possible business partner. That is so different from Harry, a thing I notice over and over again. As a quiet sound approaches my ears from the front door I turn my back to it, knowing who it will be as there is only one person with a spare key. He always bursts in whenever he likes to, clearly doesn't know limits to be paid attention to. At least sometimes. "Jen?" I hear already the next second. I don't react, pretending to sleep. I feel movements on the bed besides me shortly after and his arms are being wrapped around me. I don't know if I shall believe him being like this or if it's just another act like in the office today. My heart on the other hand believes every little sweet move he makes. It longs for him and only calms down as he holds me close to him now. I feel the butterflies in my belly as his perfume reaches my nose but as I notice a hint of something else in it, my chest tightens again. Was he with her? I want to scream in pain and anger, I fell for his tricks again. Or is this just my mind going nuts? I open my eyes slowly and turn around to him. Harry smiles widely as he sees me. "Hey" he says warmly and strokes my cheek. "Hi" I say and it sounds almost cold, giving away what I feel. "What's the matter?" He asks and worry comes into his eyes. I shake my head with a sigh. I don't want to be that girl that accuses him of cheating when there is nothing clear enough. But then again I want to say whats on my mind. The conflict burns in me once more as I am not sure who I can be with him or who I am here. "Tell me" Harry pushes softly and doesn't stop watching me, trying to read me. "I'm scared you cheat again" I whisper and watch him almost scared of his reaction. I almost expect him to get furious. Like back then. Every time there was clear proof of him cheating he denied it madly with every part of himself, proving once more he did cheat. But now he just sighs and shakes his head. He expresses such confidence right now. I'm still not used to that. I guess the old picture of him is burned way too deeply in me to believe what is actually happening now. "I love you." Harry says and looks straight into my eyes again. "I would fire her the second you decide to come back to work for me." Once again I find him pushing me to come back to him in every way. "It isn't that easy. I have friends in the company and Paul relies on me. I don't want to hurt him." I say softly, hoping for him to understand but I get disappointed seconds later. "But hurting me is okay?" Harry says and I give him a confussed if not even frustrated look. "When do I hurt you?" "You work for him, my rival, still. You go against me in the meeting and hell knows what you two did in his office." Harry says with that recklessness in his eyes. "Harry the past proved me that I shouldn't run into your arms like there is nothing else in my life" I say and sit up as I slowly get mad. "Don't get me wrong, I want to but 'hell knows' what you do with her in your office, or the elevator" I say shooting right back. Harry now sits up as well. "Are you seriously making a big deal out of her?" He says, furious now. "Yes I am! I saw how she looks at you! That's exactly how I looked at you when you were messing around with me in secret!" My voice gets louder as I start to feel hurt and just hate him for accusing me of things in such a manner. Not that I am innocent but I wouldn't take things to the level he did. "Jesus" he curses and shakes his head. "I thought we were on the same page here. You haven't changed a bit you know?" He suddenly says and it feel like being hit in the face. I don't say a word as I didn't see that coming. "You still think I jump in bed wih everyone that gives me heart eyes!" I swallow and look down. "Well I caught you with most of them in the act" I say quietly, reminding him of the past as well. "I'm not that guy anymore Jenny! For fucks sake I told you more than once that I love you and you barely say it back!" I look up hurt and feel the tears buring in my eyes. "You know I love you Harry." I sob quietly "I have been in love with you since my first week in your fucking office." Harry just growls frustrated about the situation and strokes his hair back rather harshly, angry with me and himself. He has gotten up by now while I still sit on the bed. No one of us says a word for some time and I just decide to get up and hug him tightly. It's a simple act of desperation that doesn't even match the logic of my head. I simply can't lose him again. Relieve rushes through me as I feel how he hugs me back tightly without hestitstion. I remember back then he mostly pushed me away. Something indeed changed. He reaches for my chin and pulls my face up to his to kiss me seconds later. That little kiss fastly turns into passion and we find ourselfs naked in bed soon. As if this fixes everything.

The next weeks leave me wondering what happened since Paris. I thought it would get better from there on but it went the other way. Maybe it was our peak. Maybe it wasn't meant to go further. I dared to dream about it and once more that was the wrong decision to make. Maybe it is all my fault because I let our past come between us. Harry and I spend every night together but it's not like in Paris. There are clearly unspoken things between us. Soon we reach the point where we barely talk anymore. We still spend time together and make love. Clearly needing each other physically and emotionally but not talking about issues has it's effect. At some point in the following week he excuses himself from coming over and I for my part see this as the end once more. And I fall into a hole again. I barely talk to anyone and just work. Harry and I don't talk anymore. We don't see each other and I can only imagine how distracts himself as we are apparently over. It's at the same time that I start to feel physically unwell. But as I'm too busy with my emotional baggage I ignore it and just take it as affects of the stress this puts me in. I feel exhausted all the time but still push myself as I see nothing else to be for right now.
As Angie is sick Vik and I sit alone in one of the meeting rooms and eat our lunch. It is silent between us but not in an uncomfortable way or misunderstood one. We simply don't need to talk right now. Things are clear. "Want me to kick his ass?" Viktor suddenly says as he throws the bottle of smoothie over to me. I catch it and give him a sad smile. "That would be very kind but that might cost you your job." "Not with your influence" he grins and winks at me. I giggle softly, not really feeling like expressing any happiness and shake my head. "You can't let anyone know" "Sweets, it's very obvious Paul likes you." Vik says and I answer with a soft smile and shrug. It doesn't mean a thing to me right now. I know Paul is worried about me but I neither lie or say anything about my state at all. I simply do my job, that's what I'm here for after all. "I hate that I don't hear anything from him, you know? It's like it all never happened." I say softly as I stare out of the big window, right into the life of the city. From the corner of my eye I see Vik simply nod. I wouldn't know what to say either. I sigh and turn around to him again. Leaning against the window I mumble "I hate being so tired all the time. I feel like my whole body is processing with me." Viktor furrow his brow and lays his head aside a bit as he thinks, an adorable trait he sometimes brings to life. "Jenny? Not that I am an expert at this, since I'm obviously not a woman, but do you have anything besides being tired?" His eyes scan my face carefully, waiting for an answer to confirm the theory he built in his head just seconds ago. I watch him confussed and look away for a second to think about it. "Not really, I just want to sleep all the time. And god, I hate the smell of food recently." I add and shake my head, confussed about myself. Viktor chuckles and brings a certain lightness into the room with that.