Silence | Katy Perry Fanfiction

Chapter 5

He's my rapist... I screamed in my head. He's the one taking away my joy and make every night being alone a nightmare. He's the one visiting my dreams at night. And his face is the most cruel one crossing my way. I averted my eyes to another undefined point. My vision was as blurred as my memory of the night where everything started.

"Katy?" He said after an entirety. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me." I still didn't say a thing and buried my face in my sweaty hands. He took a deep breath sounding like a hopeless moan.

"There's nothing wrong. Please don't try to fix me I'm not broken..." I whispered not convincing him.

"You know what Katy? I know how hard it is for you to speak out but if you just take your strength to begin you-" anger came up. Deep anger full of misunderstanding why he could tell me he understood. Nobody does an especially no guy will.

"Please just stop talking you won't help me by saying you understand 'cause I know you don't." I felt how he put his hand on my back. I winced terrified looking at him with ripped open eyes. "Don't touch me." I snapped taking fast breaths.

"I'm sorry but I can't help you if you don't talk." He stood up and was about to leave when I turned around my head.

"Just bring me a woman..." I sobbed sinking into my pillow. "Somebody who understands." I added without any strength in my voice. I wasn't sure whether he understood what I said or not but I couldn't think about it anymore because I suddenly felt so tired of everything that I couldn't stay awake any longer. My heavy eye lids closed and I fell into a paradise of dreams and nightmares I couldn't escape anymore.

"He did what?" He said kinda disgusted. His beautiful blue eyes scanned my body. "Are you sure he did?"

"I wouldn't tell you that somebody raped me over and over again just for fun!" I answered forming my eyes to two slices. I felt tears coming up. I thought he'd hug me and tell me I'll be fine. He didn't. He left and nothing was as it has been before. He never kissed me again. His hugs became meaningless and only a few weeks later our relationship broke down into a million of pieces. Just because he couldn't handle I was raped.

I woke up again. Crying without making any sound. Those hopeless cries that are even worse than the loud sobs you do while crying in disperation. Only my wet cheeks and red eyes showed my sadness. I couldn't blame him for what he did. I understand it wasn't easy for him. But I was the one being raped and being in need of a hug. I totally needed it but he just left and never talked to me again.

While staring at the nude sealing it seemed to fall down. It came nearer and I kinda hoped it would crush me and my sorrow. The time passed in slow motion. Steps came upstairs again but I wasn't able to notice anything else. Just those slow steps telling me and my paranoid mind somebody will disrupt my comfort zone.

I inhaled the air. I exhaled the air. My mouth got dry. My tongue felt kinda hairy. Slowly I moved my body away from the pillow. My hair laid everywhere in my face as I finally sat upstaright. Helpless I looked for a glass or bottle of water in my room. My eyes caught the bottle standing next to my bed. I grabbed it opening the cap slowly. I moved the hole to my mouth still having the cap in my hand. The liquid filled my mouth. I overpoured it so everything ran down my mouth corners. Some drops rolled down my neck. Some heavy breaths followed as I closed the bottle again. I laid down and starred at the walls again.

"Katheryn?" Somebody said making me flinch. Slowly I moved my head to the door. I saw a tall silhouette. My eyes needed a while to focus on the person.

"Claire?" I finally crooked out. She moved closer.

"Yeah Katy it's me. May I come in?" Claire said quietly. I nodded "How are you?" She added. I pulled away the blanket and gazed at her thunderstrucked. "Well, bad question you aren't fine at all I guess."

"Not really." I answered laughing sarcastically.

She looked at me for a few more moments. I felt wet around my mouth  corner. The water I drank before mixed with the saliva probably made look like a baby. I took my sleeves and wiped over my mouth a few times. Claire's eyes followed every move I did. That's just how I remembered her.
Attentive and curios. She had been my therapist in my first years as an international pop star. She knows a lot about me. I knew a lot about her. She was there when nobody else was but then I left her. All of the sudden. I never answered her calls or read her messages. I just totally ignored her for no reason. Well I had a reason but it was so childish I couldn't tell anyone it's a reason.

"Katy..." She began. Her eyes met mine and I saw the deep oceans in them. The eyes of a young therapist that heard so much bad about humans' mind. Back then when I was in my twenties she was still studying but one of the most helpful persons I've ever talked to. She listened - always. She cared - always. She helped me - always. I wondered if she was still doing so.

Still staring in her eyes I saw my reflection in them. Bloodlined eyes looked back at me twice. Her eyes that seemed so tired and tear dimmed like she was going through hell herself right now and then my eyes that seem to turn violet if I cried any more tears. She turned away as she realized I tried to break in her private zone, her unlistened mind. "What happened?" She asked looking back at me again. Now her eyes were like closed doors. You couldn't see through them anymore. I shook my head biting my lower lip. I knew she would try to break me. And I also knew she is able to do so.