Lessons In Love

Chapter 49: Taking Control

What else could Severus Snape do than to watch his life crumble in front of him? He had done so much. When would it ever be enough for the world? For everyone? Had fate damned his life to misery? Was he ever going to find happiness? Hermione's words rang through his mind. Her comforting thoughts were his only solace. Even those long months when they were apart... when he was ready to give up and get her back, he would hear her words and they would remind him to keep on going. To keep on fighting for what he wanted. And Snape wanted Hermione Granger.

Why must you play everything by the rules? You are worse than I am. Stop being a teacher for just one minute! When will it be enough? When will you decide to do something for yourself?

Be selfish, Severus.

He gave a shaky sigh through his torn emotions, since when did he ever show his feelings? He had locked them all away when Lily had left him for good when he was just a teenager. He truly did not want to give up but he had no idea how to fix the mess they had gotten themselves into. Hermione was his responsibility... from the moment she walked into Hogwarts that past fall, she had been under his watch and protection and he had just let her take over. She had brought the ministry into personal affairs, practically ruined her chances of becoming a Potions Mistress, and had indeed stolen his heart. How could one young girl outshine, in every possible way, the woman he had loved his whole life? He rarely ever even had a passing thought about Lily and if he did, it never evoked the feelings in him that it had before.

You can't just give up!

The young woman demanded all he was. She was not easily won over by any means. He had never fought for someone before... fought to have someone or even something for himself. Snape had never gone after Lily for he was much too proud and stubborn at the time. He was a fool for not doing more for himself earlier on. Hermione had always told him that he was a great wizard, brave and loyal. He scoffed at himself quietly, How am I so amazing if I never had a purpose for anything? Hermione was his purpose now and he could not leave her. She had him completely: heart, mind, body and soul... and she seemed to return all of his feelings, if not even more so, although he could not fathom how it was possible. Either way, he could not lose his insufferable know-it-all. Yes, he already claimed her as his own. Hermione belonged to him and no other. If she was willing to throw away her life so easily to run off to be with him, then that must have confirmed his feelings even more that she was only loyal to him.

If the Ministry was not involved and their relationship was somehow accepted among the Wizarding World, then he knew he could give her an exceptional life. Not with money, neither of them cared for it or needed it to give them happiness, but with books, magic, knowledge, teaching... and just each other's company. They challenged each other every day and Hermione's years would be filled with serving others with her intellect as a Potions Mistress and passing down her own knowledge to new students that could only dream of becoming the powerful witch she was. How could he give up all of that? He shook his head and stood, wiping whatever salty liquid residue that remained on his cheeks with his sleeve and he quietly headed for the door to the hallway. Snape had to do something. He could not lose his future and Hermione was absolutely right, he was the only one stopping himself from his dreams and she was the only one he wanted. She was the only thing worth living for... worth fighting for.

He headed towards the office of the Headmistress in a brisk walk with long strides. His cloak billowed behind him like a triumphant flag being waved and claiming freedom. No longer would he be ruled by someone else. He would claim his free-agency and tomorrow, whatever happened would happen. But it would not be under someone else's orders but his own. If Hermione truly wanted him, she deserved a man that could control himself and lead her with confidence instead of a man being used as a puppet, directed in every point in his life. Many would dispute him, but Snape knew that the reason his life had been so miserable was partly his own doing. He had let the more powerful order him to do their bidding and he would oblige. He let himself be a servant and did not stand up for what he believed to be right and true. Although it would be a small act, taking back his life and freedom from everyone else would be a huge step for him in becoming the man that was truly worthy of the young witch.