In Your Own Words

26. SUBJECT: (NO SUBJECT)

to: weston.maguire@baderu.com

from: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

subject: (no subject)

sent: April 17, 2017 at 3:53am

Weston,

Pray tell, for what should I forgive you?

You listed a few things that you feel bad about in your last email. The senseless violence, for me having to read about what happened between you and the man to assaulted me, having to see him again, and getting Simon involved.

That's four different apologies, so why don't we try to tackle them one at a time.

1. You apologized to me for getting into a fight.

I'm confused about that one. I don't own you, and who you choose to hit or not hit really doesn't affect me. I don't have anything invested in your ability to stay out of trouble or find it. Honestly, I don't care that you were in a fight. Sure, it would have been anticlimactic for you to lose your opportunity in Edmonton over something so impulsive, but at the end of the day, you get to fight, or not fight, with whomever you choose.

It was evenly matched, was it not? And from what I understand, violence is an important part of hockey. Sure, those altercations are generally confined to the ice, but who am I to tell you about athletics? It's well established that it isn't my field.

2. You also told me that you're sorry if reading about the encounter was painful for me.

Reading about what happened between you and Doug wasn't fun. But it was slightly more fun than writing the last email I sent you. I'd actually gathered most of the story for myself based on Lena's retelling, what I knew about you, and my own context. I wasn't surprised.

I'd always assumed that Doug didn't think much of, or about, what happened at that party. I knew he'd write it off as nothing but casual sex. You told me very little I hadn't already guessed, so the apology is unnecessary.

3. You're sorry about my having to see Doug.

See above.

Sure, it was a bit of a shock, but I often saw him, my nameless nightmare, around campus in my freshman year. Kingston isn't very big, and so yeah, sometimes he'd pass me on the street or I'd see him on the bus. Whatever. I got used to dealing with the baggage that came from seeing him a long time ago. And yes, there was a time I felt like I couldn't live in my skin, and that I didn't really belong to myself anymore. It wasn't great, but it got easier.

It wasn't any harder to see his face, bloody as it was, than it was to think about it. So, you can cross that apology off your list as well.

4. You wrote that you're sorry that Simon needed to intervene on your behalf.

That one isn't my apology to accept or reject. The one who deserves it is Simon, and Simon probably doesn't want it. As you're aware, Simon isn't exactly against you on this.

You apologized at the station, and you apologized in your emails... but for all the wrong things.

I don't think you're getting it. The apology I deserve, the fifth thing that was missing from your email, is very different from anything you've given me.

I'll make this really fucking easy for you:

Cassie, I had no right to contact Doug, seek him out or have a conversation surrounding the events of this terrible thing that happened to you. It was inexcusable for me to reopen old wounds as I did, and I shouldn't have inserted myself in something so deeply personal. What happened to you is yours, and not mine. I was completely out of line for making it about me.