Chapter 32

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The day of the funeral came. It was devastating. For everyone.
Zeynep had given Xanax pills to all her family members. She herself wanted to be sober for it, to feel everything. Someone needed to stand strong, she couldn't let herself go for Poyraz and Deniz's sake. For her mother, her father... Even Tarık.
Her hand was gripping Emir's arm the whole time. This was as hard for him as it was for her. They both lost dear ones.
Kemal, Zeynep's brother was gone. Nihan, the most important woman in Emir's life after his mother was also gone.
"Are we in an alternative reality? What is this?" She mouthed in a low voice, which was muffled from tears.
"This is our reality, Zeynep. That's how it is." He replied, eyeing as both caskets were being lowered on the ground.
"KEMAAAAAAAL!" Fehime shouted, almost falling onto the ground.
Tarik was having difficult to assist her, with Zeynep and Emir trying to pick her up.
"MY SOOOON! WAKE UP, MY SON!" She kept screaming, her throat almost closing in.
Hussein was in a shocked state, couldn't even help his wife.
Vildan was watching Fehime with blank eyes. They have given her tranquilizers to be able to deal with this day. She lost her only child left. Everything has ended for her.
Leyla was crying her eyes out, not being able to believe what what happening. Deniz was in the stroller watching everything full of wonder. She was just a baby, couldn't understand.
Emir took a look at her, his mouth curving into a sad smile.
"My sweet orange." He walked close to her. "It's a good thing you won't remember anything of this day. Your life has changed forever." He kissed her forehead as Deniz raised her arms at him so he would take her into his arms.
Raising her to his chest, he moved around a bit taking her away from the scene. "Momomomom." She made out baby voices, actually calling her mom.
"Your mom fell into a deep sleep, minimal... She won't wake up anytime soon..." He sighed, hugging her close.
"Emir?" Zeynep touched his arm, coming from behind. Her gaze fixed on Deniz, tears feeling her eyes immediately. "My bird... My unlucky bird..." She took her from Emir's embrace, inhaling her smell. She stayed like this for some good minutes, trying to calm herself as well.
"What are you doing with Deniz?!" Leyla walked towards them in a rush. She seemed exhausted but also furious.
"I was just-" Zeynep began.
"I didn't mean you." Leyla interrupted her, looking at Emir. "You won't lay a finger on her. This is my children's daughter!"
"It's neither the time nor the place for this discussion. Don't upset Deniz." Emir said in a warning tone.
"Neckerchief, I won't warn you a second time." Ayhan raised his finger on Emir's face.
"Okay, Ayhan abi... There's nothing." Zeynep tried to keep the spirits down. "Come my dearest, come." She smiled at Deniz, taking her to Fehime.

"Ah my baby..." Fehime kept Deniz close. "The only reminder of my son is you..."
They have gotten back at Zeynep's house for about an hour now.
Emir was outside, making some phone calls.
Leyla and Ayhan accompanied Vildan back to their house. She was in a horrible state. Not talking, not listening, not reacting. Just existing.
"Mom... Dad went to lay down... He wasn't feeling good." Zeynep appeared in the living room. "Do you want me to take Deniz?"
"No! Don't take her from me... Let me feel my Kemal through her..." Fehime shook her head, not letting her take the baby.
"Zeynep..." Emir entered the house. "I will go back to Şile tonight, are you coming?"
"Are you leaving?" Fehime became saddened.
"I have to go to Poyraz, mom. I miss him so much." She sat by her side, caressing her face.
"Of course my baby... Go... Kiss my lamb from me, okay?"
"I will. Try to calm down... Drink this tea here." Zeynep handed her a cup. "If you like... We can take Deniz." She spoke hesitantly.
"We who?" Fehime narrowed her eyes, turning her face to Emir.
"I love Deniz. She will be fine with us." He assured her.
"What is he saying, Zeynep?!" She raised her voice, making Deniz widen her eyes. "I will never let you take her from me! She's all I have from my Kemal!"
"Calm down, mom... Nobody will take her away. I will take care of her like I do with Poyraz-"
"NO! NO! I won't let you take her from me! I will die if I let you do it! She's all that is left from your brother, Zeynep!" Fehime cried, her whole body shaking. "I would never give her to him anyway!" She snapped at Emir.
Emir rolled his eyes, looking away.
"Emir loves her." Zeynep argued, making him look at her all surprised. He didn't expect that she would take his side.
"All he wants is to take what is left of my son!"
"Mother -"
"I won't live if you take her away from me, don't you understand? She will occupy my mind..." Fehime explained, caressing Deniz's head. "Taking care of her will fill my time. Plus Leyla will help me when I need to."
"I will deposit a good amount of money for her. You can use it as you like." Emir announced. "I won't accept to leave her to you any other way."
"We don't want your dirty money!"
"Stop poor judging him, mother! He just wants her wellbeing!" Zeynep took his side again. "She will live according to the way she deserves. Like my brother would raise her, with the best."
"We can manage -"
"You can't. Either I will take her or you will accept Emir's money." Zeynep stated with finality, knowing that this was the only way for her mother to accept.
"Okay... Okay." Her mother agreed, eyeing Emir with a hateful face.

"I know you didn't want to leave her... But I couldn't take her away from them, you know it right?" Zeynep told Emir on their way back.
"I actually understand..." He nodded his head. "Thank you for sticking up for me back there." Looking at her for a few seconds, he turned his gaze back to the road.
"I wanted to have her too... My brother would want me to do it... But my mom needs her, she's sort of a medicine to her. I get it. That's how my son is for me... I don't know if I would keep going if I didn't have him. My brother-" Her voice broke as she placed her palm on her mouth.
"Shhh, okay..." Emir placed his hand over hers, tapping it a few times to calm her down.
Her eyes followed his movements. Then she looked at him, realizing he wasn't in a better mood but still wanted to comfort her. Her other hand came to rest over his own, holding it close for the rest of the road.

"My beloved son! My love! My heart! I missed you so much, God..." Zeynep took her son out of the maid's hands. "Haven't you slept yet, my dearest? Huh? Did you wait for me?" She smiled, kissing him and inhaling his smell.
"Poyraz?" Emir's eyes lit up as they fell onto his son. "My son..." He went close to Zeynep, kissing the side of his head and patting on his lips with his thumb.
"Here, go to daddy." She handed him over. "Everything okay here?" She then asked the helper.
"Yes, Mrs. He ate and slept like a baby. I haven't seen a more quiet baby than him."
"Is that so, Poyraz?" Emir smiled playfully, cradling him lovingly. "Well done."
"I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs..." The girl added, lowering her head.
"Thank you." Zeynep nodded her head, hugging herself uncomfortably. "Emir, let me put him to bed..."
"No, I will." He told her, passing aside.
She rolled her eyes, following him inside.
"You are tired, go relax a bit..."
"You are tired, I am not." He snapped, putting Poyraz into his crib.
"What's up with you?" She spoke lowly, hurt hinting in her voice.
"Nothing's up, little one. Life goes on, that's all." His own voice was cold and distant.
"So are you going to pretend that you don't care now?"
Emir put his index finger on his lips, signaling her to not talk.
"Emir..." She began. "Don't do that. Take it out of you, talk to me."
"I have nothing to say." He simply said, turning his back on her.
All of a sudden, Zeynep pulled him by his arm and dragged him all the way to her room.
"What are you doing?!" He raised his voice, pushing her hand down.
"What are YOU doing?! Don't hide your sorrow, Emir!"
"I'm not hiding anything! Nihan died, engineer Kemal died! That's all folks!" He tried to joke miserably.
"I know you..." She nodded her head. "And I know that you will keep it all inside until you finally blow and take us all with you! Don't do it!"
"Let it go." He raised his eyebrows warningly.
"Share your pain with me!"
"Let. It. Go."
"LET ME IN!" She shouted in dispair. She wanted to help him, knowing he was in deep pain.
Emir's eyes rolled back from anger. He likes it the least when someone pressures him and puts him in the corner. He would say things she wouldn't like.
"I am talking to you!"
"I SAW THEM!" He shouted, his eyes going crazy. "I saw them dead! Their bodies and faces ruined, I saw them!"
Zeynep's lips started trembling, her eyes full of questions.
"I went at the morgue to say my goodbyes to both! Nihan's face was unrecognizable, your brother's half face ruined and his chest cut in half! Are you happy now?!" His chest was heaving up and down from nerves, his hands shaking.
Zeynep burst into crying, so heavy that she was having difficulty to breathe. "St-stop... Stop." She fell onto her knees, her hand on her chest.
Her cries didn't ease down as she was sobbing uncontrollably.
Emir flickered his eyes in regret, he didn't want to tell her this. He didn't want to bring her more pain than she was already into.
He fell by her side, taking her into his arms. Her body was shaking from cries, she even tried to push him away but he held on tighter, burying his face into her hair.
"I did not want to tell you this... Why did you make me tell you?" He whispered, guilt and regret obvious in his tone as he witnessed her worst breakdown up to date.
He was aware she has been holding back all day to not upset her family any further, cause she was strong like that. But her time to let all her frustration and sadness out was now.
All he could do was be there. He couldn't take it back, he couldn't comfort her in any way. Just be there.

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