optional // l.s.

two (*)

"i don't want to," louis bit his lip. "not today, please? i have to do things for school," he stared at his brother with pleading eyes. "i'm already failing half of my classes."

ethan frowned. "just for now, lou."

louis' stomach churned and held his hand out just because he didn't want to deal with him for the rest of the day.

---

break was in a few days and louis really didn't want to turn his project in. it meant so much to him and he didn't want to feel vulnerable. he didn't want anyone knowing his life but the teacher promised that if they wanted, after he graded them he would throw them away. even shred them to make his students feel better.

"you will have to do this a few more times," mr. styles mentioned as he scribbled on the board. "one for each quarter. it's for your benefit. it will show how you've grown over the year. think of it as time skips," he turned around and leaned his back against the whiteboard. "any questions?"

nobody answered so he returned to his seat.

while the class worked on other things since they turned their papers in, harry read them all. alot of them were similar: their family and friends made them who they were today, songs about love, songs in general but there was one that stood out to him.

we understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon whom we love. -madame de stael

l.t. 4th

harry frowned. louis was one of those students who stayed to themselves. could this be why?

after class, louis was one of the last people to leave the room.

"hey, louis?" mr. styles said. "can you stay back for a minute?"

louis nodded and stopped in his tracks, turning on his heel with a bitten lip. usually when a teacher asked him to stay behind it was to discuss his grades or the amounts of work he was missing. he did everything he was told to in mr. styles' class, how could he be failing?

"pull a seat up," harry said, tapping his pen against his lip. louis did so silently, sitting his chair beside his teacher's desk. he noticed that his assignment was at the top of the stack and he kept staring at it. fuck, he shouldn't have wrote that.

"your assignment is rather...unique," harry said. "usually my kids would just give me happy quotes or something simple but you, you gave me something that hit me."

louis furrowed his eyebrows. "it did?"

"yes, hit home, honestly," harry cleared his throat. "my brother died when i was ten years old, from leukemia."

louis frowned. "i'm sorry for your loss.."

harry leaned against the desk. "can i ask what made you enter this?"

louis stuffed his hands in his hoodie pocket. "my mum died nearly three years ago. the date is coming up and i've been thinking about her alot," he said as he glued his eyes on his feet.

harry apologized for his loss, "can i ask how?"

"quite ironic," louis frowned. "giving life."

harry looked at him in confusion.

"she died while giving birth," louis corrected. he looked up at the man. "the baby died as well. she was so excited for this baby, i was stoked to finally be a big brother."

louis remembered his mother's pregnancy. he was always asking her about his baby sibling and if they had done anything cool yet. jay would always tell him they was either asleep or just being stubborn. anytime they kicked louis wasn't around and that made him upset because he felt like a growing fetus didn't like him.

"louis! the baby is kicking is kicking!"

fourteen year old louis gasped and scrambled over to his mother. "really? what does it feel like? oh my god, can i feel?!"

jay took her son's hand and placed it on her swollen belly. louis felt tiny nudges against his palm and he flinched, each kick taking him by surprise. "oh," he squeaked. "does that feel weird in your tummy?"

"you used to kick your little legs so much that i'm used to it," jay chuckled. "it doesn't really feel weird. more like little jolts inside."

harry nodded. "was it a boy or a girl?"

"do you know yet?" was the first thing to come out of louis' mouth when he got home from school. he and ethan put up their backpacks and their mum put a tiny cupcake in their hands.

"find out for yourselves," jay chuckled and patted her tummy softly while her boys bit into the treat. a glop of pink icing was filled into the middle of the cupcake.

"aw, why not a boy?" ethan pouted. louis was cooing about how he got to have a sister because ethan was a "butthole" and he didn't want anymore brothers like him. jay laughed at her oldest son's comment and kissed the boy's head.

"you'll grow to love her," she said. "you two have to protect her from boys. she can't have a boyfriend until she is thirty and she's not allowed to marry until she's seventy three."

louis giggled. "okay."

"a girl," louis whispered. "jasmine johannah tomlinson. i called her baby jay," he blinked away threatening tears. "she was named after my mum. she was her first daughter."

why did it feel so good to finally get that off of his chest?

"i bet she would have been beautiful," harry murmured. "if she was anything like her big brother, i bet she would have grown up to be just as charming and intellegent."

louis blushed and sniffed. "i was almost fifteen when she died," he sighed and told him about how jasmine's umbilical cord got wrapped around her neck. the emergency cesarean section that jay had to have sent her own body into shock and she couldn't come out of it. she ended up passing away due to complications.

harry leaned over and placed a hand on louis' shoulder. he rubbed it sympathetically. death was hard. it was soul stealing, heartbreaking, emotionally damaging, it was terrible.

it was circulating louis' mind.

"if you ever need to talk...as someone who can partially relate, i'm here," mr. styles said softly. "if you want to ever just let it out, i'd advise you to write your emotions. i thought it was a fluke but it helps."

"thank you," louis whispered and cleared his throat. "can i get a note so i don't get in trouble?"

this teacher nodded with a, "mhm," and wrote a late excuse for the lad. louis quietly thanked him and went to exit.

"and louis?"

"yeah?"

"i hope things get better."

---

a bit emotional, yeah?

im sick because of the weather change & i relate to this chapter on the stance of my mom dying. writing about losing a parent is probably the hardest thing for me because i just...relate too much to it. ):

we've already reached 100 reads, yall are the shiznit. i might double update or update something else today. (: