[DISCONTINUED] FIND YOU ( T. WALKING DEAD )

- XVIII.

"I get it," Elijah assured. "It's different now. You know that she's alive, you know where she is."

"Yeah," the older of the two sighed. It fell quiet, with just the chirping of the birds sounding out, until Rick brought the binoculars down and turned to Elijah. This was the first time they were face-to-face without bars between them. "What happened at the farm... that wasn't personal." It seemed personal. "I had to protect my family."

"I know," Elijah deadpanned. How could he defend himself or provide a counterargument, if the entire thing was a lie? Rick was absolutely right to lock him up and assume he was dangerous - because he was. He was just as bad, if not worse, than Randall. To Jack, however, Elijah was just the victim of the situation - the misunderstood wanderer. Lying to her killed him, but it was too late to go back now. "I would have done the same."

"But Jack... What, Jack busted you out? You guys-"

"No, no," Elijah shook his head quickly. "I mean, yeah, she got me out, but... It wasn't like that. She wanted someone to protect her - to teach her how to survive on her own."

"So, leaving was her idea?" Rick questioned, voice as steady as his expression.

Elijah, knowing just how much he put the idea in her head for his own gain, nodded. "Yes."

Clenching his jaw, Rick nodded in response. It was hard to tell what he was thinking; did he feel betrayed, or was it just difficult to accept that his own daughter couldn't stand being around him anymore? "For a while," he sighed, "I convinced myself that you took her - that she left against her own will. It just didn't make sense to me; there was no way she could've just left. Then, after a few months, I just assumed she was dead."

"Well, we almost didn't make it," Elijah replied. "Four months on the road... Sometimes, we went days without any food - but she'd always make sure that I ate before she would. When we first met, she wanted me to watch over her, but... Out there, she ended up looking out for me more than for herself." Rick's attention now fully gained, Elijah watched as his steel expression softened. "She'll be here," he assured Rick, "just give it time."

_____

"AS HE SAW all this, there came over him for an instant a doubt of the possibility of arranging the new life, of which he had been dreaming on the road. All these traces of his life seemed to clutch him, and to say to him: 'No, you're not going to get away from us, and you're not going to be different, but you're going to be the same as you've always been; with doubts, everlasting dissatisfaction with yourself, vain efforts to amend, and falls, and everlasting expectation, of a happiness which you won't get, and which isn't possible for you.' This the things said to him, but another voice in his heart was telling him that he must not fall under the sway of the past, and that one can do anything with oneself."

The door swinging open caught Jack's attention with a jump. Seeing it was just Andrea, who offered a kind smile and sympathetic gaze, brought her some relief from her vigilance - but not entirely. "How are you feeling?" the blonde questioned, quietly closing the door behind her. Folding down the corner of her page in the book, Jack shrugged without a word.

That was all she could really do. She didn't know how she was feeling. She felt both stupid and triumphant, shitty and hopeful, in pain and of high hopes. Some nights, she stayed up fearing for her life. Other nights, she slept like a baby. She, in the expanse of her vocabulary, couldn't accurately describe how she was feeling.