Heartbroken

My first fake friend

When going through a heartbreak, it's tough. You tell yourself that there's no greater pain. And you say that you'll never ever love again or care again to ensure that you won't get hurt. Sadly, that's inhumain. It doesn't last no matter how much you try. Some people are broken and will never care again like they did before but deep inside everyone still has feelings, even the ones who don't show it.

Sometimes, feelings can get in the way of our common sense. Love is a very strong and passionate thing that can make you blind to the real world. That's why some people do things they don't mean to when they're in love. And those actions hurt others without them noticing the impact.

I had a friend that was blindly in love. Jessica, my ex bestfriend, was in love with my boyfriend, at the time. Jessica always hung around me and Brad while we were together, to a point that it was almost weird. But the minute he broke up with me, she stopped talking to me. Only later did I find out she'd had a crush on him this entire time and was trying to get him to dump me. Now, they're dating and she hasn't talked to me ever since.

I've texted her a couple times, asking her why she would do this to me. But the only explanation I got was that she'd loved him for months. I didn't quite understand why that was an excuse for such poor friend judgement, and I still don't understand. One thing I do know, is that she was blindly in love and still doesn't realize what she's done.

I give too many second chances to people. I was ready to forgive her for going after my boyfriend because I realize that she probably just wanted love. Not that what she did was right, but I could understand it. But now, we're not friends anymore. That's not my doing, it's hers. Every time she sees me, she looks unimpressed or rolls her eyes at me. And if I enter a room while she's with Brad, she'll make sure to kiss him right in my face.

That's something I never quite understood. It's like she has this passionate hatred for me, but she got the guy and I got nothing, so what does she want from me?

Another detail about this that hurts is that some of my closest friends are also friends with Jessica now. They say she's a nice person and she helps them a lot. I can't blame them for being friends with the people they want to be friends with, but either way, it hurts.

I mean, you'd think they could find some nice people to be friends with that DIDN'T throw my heart down a well.

Anyways, I try not to think about it too much. When I do, my heart is sledgehammered by reality. For a couple months after these events, every morning as I woke up, it all came back to me like a slap in the face. You open your eyes and your brain starts to remind you of details like where you are, what day it is, everything that hurts... and my heart drops down to my feet as I open my eyes to realize that it's true.

Some nights I even dream of still being with him, and then the morning hurts even more. The dream is so real and I wish it to be true so hard that I forget the pain. But it all comes back as I wake up.

As I began to come used to live with this pain, other events came along...