Heartbroken

My first heartbreak

After we got back together, we were all happy and smiles again. Everything was like it used to be, and the break didn't change anything between us. The only impact of it was the pain I'd discovered was possible. Never before had I imagined the possibility of such aching of the heart. It affected me slightly, in a way that I'd now be more afraid, but also more grateful for what I had. I'd spend minutes just staring at him, thanking God for how lucky he'd made me to have this wonderful man in my life.

Many new memories were made and we had a lot of laughs. In the end, we were happy as ever could be.

But all great things come to an end... sadly. So one day as I was in law class, I was texting Brad and trying to cheer him up because he was sad. He got pissed off because he didn't want my help. I was confused and wished I could make him happy but it didn't seem to work. Then I got a text from him saying ;
- I have to talk to you after school, it's important.
I immediately began visualizing the worst scenarios and I got scared. I asked the teacher if I could use the bathroom and ended up spending the entire period there, crying, as I had 4 panic attacks. For the rest of the day, I couldn't focus in any class. I had the same bad feeling in my stomach that I'd gotten the night before he asked me to go on a break. I was so stressed out and scared, that I cried in every class, felt sick like I was going to throw up, and had shaky hands. My teachers were starting to ask if I was okay but I'd always lie and reply that I was fine.

After school, I didn't feel like being alone so I went to my bestfriend's house for a sleepover. I was texting Brad and the subject of our conversation came back to why he'd wanted to talk to me earlier about something important. After waiting about 10 minutes for a reply, I received and long paragraph about how he was sorry but our relationship wasn't working out for him. That pain and aching in my heart came back, with more intensity than before. I truly felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and sledgehammered into tiny pieces. I cried, and cried, and cried. I used up and entire jumbo tissue box and opened another one. My friend, who'd been through a breakup recently herself, listened to everything I had to say and supported me. I kept texting Brad, trying to understand his reasoning and find out how much this would change things in my life. The rest of that night is slightly a blur. My mind panicked in this situation to a point that I don't remember details of when he dumped me. I remember calling him on the phone, begging for him not to do this and to reconsider, but every time he'd hear my voice crack as my watery eyes tried not to become waterfalls, he'd beg me not to talk about it as this was apparently hard on him as well.

For the next week, I didn't want to go to school or speak to anyone. I didn't know what to do or what to think, and I felt so lost. I forced myself everyday to face my fears and the world, and not drop my education. After he dumped me, one of my closest friends, Jessica, stopped talking to me completely. This definitely wasn't helping the situation since I needed all the friends I could get. This particular friend was also close with Brad and seemed to be around him a lot at school. Only days later did I find out they were dating. And to this day, I still believe he cheated on me.

It still hurts that I lost not only the love of my life but also my bestfriend. The pain never leaves, it never fades, you just become so used to it's presence that you don't notice it as much anymore.

Now, we're still friends. Even through our promises to never drift appart, we aren't as close as we used to be and I miss him a lot. I just wish time could go back to the good days. But we have to accept what's been done. We still talk, but not often. The longest conversations we have are at parties when we're both drunk. That's what hurts most, missing him...