Oh, How I Hate The Word MATE

Nipple Man

CHAPTER 33: NIPPLE MAN

  Tyler

  I woke up in a cell.

  A dark, dirty cell.

  Oh goddammit what the hell.

  Why can't I wake up in a nice comfy bed for once with a large plate of bacon on the nightstand for once? Why does it have to be a cell? And where's my damn bacon?

  What's with me and being kidnapped all the time now? I mean, I know I'm sexy but we can't ALL just have me. Unfortunately some of you must look at me from afar, sobbing uncontrollably into a dirty tissue while you dream of getting at least 20 feet away from my amazing self. Terrible. I know.

  "Looks like she's up. I'll alert the master." A voice came out of nowhere. Whoa. Where did the hell did that voice come from? No one else is in here. Oh dear god. It's in my head. Oh please no! I already have Bobbi I don't need another voice in my head!

  "GET OUT OF MY HEAD I WILL CUT YOU AND EAT YOU BITCH!"

  "What the hell are you yelling about?!" A man walked out of the darkness outside of my cell.

  Ohhhhh. He's the voice. Oops. Never mind. Hey! He's one of the leprechauns from before!

  "Oi! Where the hell am I?" I yell to the leprechaun, "And where are you keeping your gold ya greedy bastard!"

  "What? I'm not a fucking leprechaun stop pretending like I am!" Gee you sure act like one.

  "Alright, alright! I'm not judging." Yes I am.

  He glared at me before stalking out of the room, leaving me all by myself. Well then bitch, no one wanted you in here anyway! Wait, actually I did. I need company!

  "Leprechaun come baaaaaack!" I cried. I'm sorry I was mean I just want a friend!

  He didn't come back. Well then I didn't need you anyway you selfish narwhal.

  Great. Now what? Gosh, they put me in the most boring cell ever. What the hell am I supposed to do in this place? Die? That is sooooo mainstream. I need to get out of here.

  That reminds me. Where is my knight and shining armour?

  Ugh. This is why I don't like Mason. That piece of salami.

  "HELLOOOOOO!" I called out. Did Leprechaun seriously just leave me here alone? Saying something about "master" and all that jazz. Who has a master now these days? Well I'm Mason's master but that's different. Am I in some kind of cult right now? Are they gonna cut off my feet or something? Oh god no! I love my feet! I don't want my feet to be cut off! They're my babies!

  "Don't worry Phillip and Zimbabwe! I won't let anything happen to you guys!" I cuddled with my feet as best as I can considering my non-flexible ass. Seriously how the hell do people get their feet behind their head like that? It's gross.

  The door that Leprechaun went through suddenly opened and I was met with two big burly men that screamed steroids. One was carrying a large knife. Oh no, it's true! They're after my feet!!