To Be A Killer

Chapter 59: Colors

He's taken back by this. I can tell by the blush that spreads across his cheeks. "Oh, uh, no-no problem. I mean, I guess I should really be apologizing since I nearly spilt the beans."

A small smile spreads across my face. "It's okay. It was a good save."

He laughs and rubs the back of his neck. "Thanks."

"Do you think we'll ever see him again? Simon? Do you think I'll see him before I-"

"You're not going to die," He interrupts sternly, and I huff.

"I was gonna say before I get put under mind control."

"Oh... well, we're gonna make sure that doesn't happen either. And God, I really hope not."

I glare at him, and he raises his hands up in surrender. "What? Just 'cause you care about him doesn't mean I have to. And I don't understand why you like him so much anyway, not when he literally shot you and betrayed us all."

"I care about him because I know more of the story, but I can't tell you it because it's not mine to tell. Plus I-I believe there's good in him."

"How? I mean, Janine didn't even believe that, and she was in love with him." Sam sends me a questioning look. "And I mean, you're just his friend, right? I mean, you're not-"

"Don't even finish that question," I deadpan.

"I'm just asking-"

"No, I'm not. Just no. That's-no." I shake my head. God, he's such an idiot. "I believe there's good in Simon because Amelia wanted him to shoot me and he didn't. He could've. He could've easily done it, but he didn't. He chose not to."

"And that's really enough to say he's redeemable?"

I stand up, face scrunching up in hurt. "You call me a hero because I killed one bad man. That one bad life is nothing compared to the good lives I had to take while in America. And you say you believe me redeemable."

"But... But you-you and Simon-"

"Are one and the same. We did bad things because we were scared and just wanted to make it through to tomorrow. We didn't think about the consequences until it was too late." I wrap my arms around myself. "That's why I believe he's redeemable."

Only a small croak leaves his mouth in response, and I shake my head. Of course he wouldn't understand. He's good, pure. He's everything Simon and I aren't. He doesn't know what it feels like to do the wrong thing, and know that it's wrong, but do it anyway because you feel there is no other way, that you have no choice...

He doesn't know, and I pray he never will.

"I'm gonna-I'm just gonna go now," I say quickly, and oddly enough, Sam doesn't try to stop me as I leave.

I'm really unsure how to feel about that.

It's cold outside. That's no surprise. But what does surprise me is the amount of people bustling about in this whether. Most people stay inside during the winter, only leaving the dorms when it's time to eat in the mess halls, or go do their job in the farms or the greenhouse or the hospital. But not today. Today it seems everyone is just putting up with the cold in attempts to get some fresh air, as it does get pretty stuffy in the buildings with so many other people.

But their crowding around makes it much harder for me to get to where I'm going, especially since I don't know where I'm going. I just left because I didn't want to discuss things with Sam anymore, and while he means well, he can get rather pushy and can often pry when he wants to know something.

The library is probably my best bet if I want any privacy. Plus it's quiet, so I can... look at the pictures longer.

It sounds pathetic even in my head. But sadly, I have nothing better to do. I've already read my Bible today, and sure, you can never read the Word of God too much, but what's the use of reading it if I know I won't be paying attention to the words I read?