Never Be Mine

Chapter 15

There are times where I wish time will be faster but right now it's to rapid. Summer seems to go by in a blink of an eye. I'm going back to school in a few weeks. Everyone doesn't like to go back but honestly I do. I don't like the test and homework but I do want to see my friends. I have been seeing some of them during summer marching recently. But we don't talk much during the rehearsals and drills. They have us out there in the field at seven in the morning and again in the afternoon five days even six days a week until school starts. They make sure we are prepared for the football games that immediately start. People say that marching band is not active enough. So you want to tell me that being in 110 degree weather sweating our asses off, making sure we turn correctly, have our feet and legs in the right position, and carrying our instrument is easy. Open your eyes it's the opposite. People think that band is only for nerds then why are there cheerleaders and football players in band. People assume to quickly.

The best thing about going back to school is the shopping. Besides the supplies I usually get new shoes, clothes and other things for school. I feel spoiled because I get what other kids around the world would die for. Some kids can't get new shoes or even supplies and I feel guilty. I sometimes refuse what my mom gives to me but she insists I take it mostly because she already got it and can't return it.

This small town doesn't have anything exciting. Yeah we have a mall but it's small and if you buy one shirt you see ten others wearing the exact same thing. My family drives three hours to Dallas to go to a bigger mall when school starts again. My brother also shops to which doesn't make any sense because he's an adult and should be paying for his own but he has no job and my mom doesn't treat us fairly. Michael is my mom's favorite child she says "I love you guys equally" but we all know that's bullshit. My mom would give him anything and if he gets in trouble it doesn't matter. While I am the one who gets blamed on or gets the hand-me-downs.

I am horrible at making decisions. I spent more than an hour at the Levi's store trying on what jeans I want for the new year. I went to six different shoe stores and finally deciding on a pastel pink pair of Adidas. I couldn't make up my mind that I even sent a picture to my friends saying which one.

Just a few days ago I went to four stores trying to figure out what glasses I want. I wear glasses all the time. I'm utterly blind. I can't see just a few feet infront of me without glasses. I get new pairs every two years. My old ones are big on me and they have scratches.

My mom insists that we look at the designer brands. I don't like my parents spending money on me. I feel like those rich bitches that are to snobby. I rarely ask my parents for money. I mostly get what I get during Christmas and my birthday. We aren't rich but we aren't poor either. We are just a typical American family. My friends think my parents are doctors and I tell them they're both nurses. They're response "it's the same thing." No it's not the same do you want me to compare their salary. Plus there are bills to pay and college savings. Can we pause and reflect on how the world relys on money in modern ages. How just one piece of green paper can do so much to someone. While some people are just throwing it away.

I was realizing that I don't spend a lot on myself. So a pair of glasses won't hurt. I decided on black rectangle frames with red on the inside. Ray Ban's are plastered all over the red portion. I was looking at the Gucci glasses but I didn't like any of the pairs the store had. I'm also picky because I don't look good in anything. But I looked quite decent in these.

I decided my hair is growing way to long. It got to the point where it was up to my ass. It was so messy, damaged, and spilt ends all over. I was feeling boujee and got a haircut at Walmart. They actually do a good job don't judge a book by its cover people.

I haven't had a haircut in two and a half years. I don't know why but it's like a piece of you is getting chopped off. But in reality it's just hair and will grow back.

I cut it to mid chest length and I now have no layers. Layers are a pain to take care of.

I guess I am in the category of basic. I have adidas, and white converse shoes. I wear American Eagle, Aeropostale, Forever 21, Victoria Secret (pink), H&M, and Vans apparel. I mean what other stores are there you know. You can just call me a basic bitch.

I changed how I look in the past years. Just two years ago I would wear plain shirts and leggings all the time. And wear my school's uniform outside of school hours. However I wasn't the skinniest out there and I'm still not. I didn't look good in leggings like other girls do.

I would not care how my hair looked. My hair was frizzy, rough, and thick but I didn't care. Now it seems like I care about everything I am and everything I do.

Its a real struggle loosing weight. The constant exercising and going on crazy diets. The hour or more sweating working those muscles. The refusal of food when offered. The "I only eat healthy now." The insecurity of is there any results or do I still look like that. And at the end you still feel like your old self. Still feel like your ugly and that everyone is staring. And you end up in some sort of eating disorder.

You feel like eating makes you bigger. That you just stop and eat less and less each day. Until you're used to the feeling of emptiness in your stomach. But you have to eat to survive. So you compromise and skip meals. Only eating once a day.

Your starving and feel weak but you don't care. You think that being pretty is worth the price. Being what society want to see you as. You know what they say beauty is pain.

How every one tells me that I look good now. Yet they don't know what I really do.

A/N: Well that took a turn......

Sorry this was all over the place just want to inform you guys on the "new" Ashlyn.

Omg thank you so so so so much for 500 reads I can't believe it much love❤️❤️❤️❤️

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