August rain | myg ✔

n i n e

"How did it happen?"

Dr Surrey's voice was soft, as always, yet it held a hint of curiosity that even Yoongi, in his numb state, noticed. 

He didn't take offense. Everyone was curious about how it happened. It was human nature, to want to know everything. At the funeral, it was all people talked about. When anyone came across Yoongi after Catalina died, they would look at him with pity in their eyes, and say the same thing, every time: I'm so sorry, Yoongi. But how did it happen?

He looked down.

"It was a dumb car," he whispered. It was the first time in a week he had said more than a single word, and his throat still hurt from crying. 

Dr Surrey didn't say anything, she waited for him to go on. He swallowed loudly.

"She was crossing the street and the car missed its red light. He was texting while driving."

Yoongi blinked, but kept his eyes closed for longer than necessary, knowing that the tears were seconds away from falling. He had cried so much, he could tell when it would start, every time. But no matter when it would start, he could never tell when it would end.

"They told me she didn't feel a thing, because she didn't have the time to. She died right then and there... That's what they told me. Like it was supposed to make me feel better, that her death had been instant and painless. But... she's still dead."

A sob escaped him, and he took a few long, deep breath, trying not to cry.

"She wasn't supposed to die. She was supposed to finish University this year... We were gonna go on a trip to celebrate. She wanted to go to Disney World. And I had said no, because it's so far away and expensive, and we fought about that for three days." 

Tears were rolling down his cheeks, but his voice wasn't shaky, rather it held an hint of determination. Dr Surrey was silently looking at him.

"So we decided to go to Costa Rica instead, because she wanted to see the parrots and the jungle, and I wanted to try surfing, and it's so much cheaper. But Catalina is - was afraid of planes and she was really stressed that the plane might crash and we would die, without ever seeing Costa Rica... Isn't it stupid? She was so afraid of dying, that it almost stopped her from going on the trip. But then she died while crossing the same fucking street she would cross every day. She died doing the one thing that she didn't expect death from." 

Dr Surrey nodded sadly and noted something down. Yoongi went on, still staring emptily ahead of him. 

"Everyday I wonder, did she see the car coming right at her? Did she face it before it ran over her? Did she... Did she see her own death coming? Was she afraid?" His voice broke on the last word, and he swallowed loudly, trying to make the lump in his throat disappear. 

"I... I hope she wasn't. Everyday I think how of it happened, and the only thing I wish for is that she didn't see it happening. She was so afraid of dying, she would always think of how it would happen. But... I still hope she didn't see her death coming. I'm so scared that her last thoughts were about fearing her death, when she spent her whole life doing that. They say you stay the same in death as you were in life. I hope it wasn't the case for her. I hope she went peacefully. That's the only thing I can hope for anymore... That she wasn't afraid when she died."

His voice was a mere whisper by now. Dr Surrey waited for Yoongi to continue, but he didn't, so she spoke instead.

"You know, Yoongi, people who are afraid of death often are afraid of living." Her voice was soft.

Strangely, even in his numb state and with tears rolling down his face, Yoongi couldn't retain the chuckle that escaped him. His eyes, however, stared emptily in front of him.

"Yeah, she was afraid of living. She wasn't afraid of feelings, nor of risks, but of living, yeah. She would always fear the future. Where she is - was going, what would happen, how things would turn out. It made her really stressed out. She had so many feelings about everything, and a lot of people think feelings are what life is about, but it's not... Not for Catalina. Her life was full of risks and feelings, but she had so many of them, she wasn't living. She was just wondering about how she would live later. But later, she wasn't living, she was busy wondering about the other later."

He gulped and raised his eyes to the ceiling, trying to stop his tears from falling. 

"Sometimes I wonder, if she would have known that she was about to die, would she have done things differently? Would she have lived her life more quickly, or would she have just frozen and waited for death?" 

His sad eyes lowered and met those of Dr Surrey, who shrugged her shoulders in return.

"That's a question philosophers have been asking for centuries. It's something we'll perhaps never know."

Yoongi nodded slowly, eyes blurry and numb. 

"I like to think she would have lived the same. She liked stressing out, but she also liked risks. I was one, a risk. She'd always say I was the biggest risk she ever took, falling in love with me. She said I was a risk worth taking. I never asked why she thought that. I know she loved me just as much as I loved her, and I guess that's the best explanation I'll ever get. But it still keeps me up at night, thinking of how our relationship would have changed, if she had known she was about to die. Would she... Would she have stayed with me? I was worth the risk, but was I worth the last moments of her life?"

Dr Surrey blinked. "Yoongi, everyone dies one day. I don't think the knowledge that she would die one day would have changed much about how she felt about you." 

Yoongi looked down, but Dr Surrey didn't miss the flash of pain in his eyes. It was rather strange, because his eyes had been in pain ever since she knew him, yet the sudden pour of suffering took her by surprise.

"You know what was the last thing I told her, right before she died?" 

His voice was so low that Dr Surrey had to lean in to hear him. But no matter how low he spoke, his following words hit her like a tsunami. 

"I told her to leave me alone."  

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A/N - Never text and drive, kids.