Paradoxical Girl

❆️ un ❆️

'agressive confidence reflects inner feelings of inferiority'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

September 13, 2019
Friday The 13th

Dear myself,
Another day at school, yet every single time at school, all I feel is like I'm in hell. From the teachers, to the students and everyone around you, all you get is stress. Things didn't go as planned today and I felt really sad. This is how my day has gone by;

As the usual morning routine, I woke up 6, take a bath, dress up, and of course wear my very slight, unnoticeable makeup. "WOAH!" I shouted seeing myself in the mirror. I almost forgot that I colored my hair ombré yesterday. Well, the truth is I really want to change myself. Everything wrong about me, I really want to change. But I know that it will be impossible. I don't like or love any part of my face and neither my body. And I thought, I think this will help me have confidence in myself. This will help me love myself more.

"Can I even go to school with my hair like this?" I said losing confidence. Yes, it seems wrong. I was so confident in dyeing my hair that on the next morning, when I remembered the word 'SCHOOL' my confidence faltered easily. One term for 'SCHOOL' in my opinion is 'HELL'.

"Whatever. I know that I can get through the whole day with this kind of hair." But then I noticed the calendar beside my desk lamp. '13th of September, Friday' Well, I guess it's supposed to be a unlucky day for me today.

I went downstairs to eat, expecting my Mom and my Dad, but then it comes to me that reality is harsh. I only saw our maid preparing breakfast for me. 'Young lady, I already prepared your meal. Please, come and sit.' the middle aged woman said. 'I don't have an appetite, I'll just eat on the way to school. By the way, where's Mom and Dad?' I asked her. But as usual, she always answers, "Madam and Sir were in a hurry because of an urgent meeting. They want you to know that they are really sorry for not being able to eat breakfast with you, Young Lady."

It's really tiring for me. I am sick of my parents neglecting me just because of fame and money. Yes, I admit. I am the only child of one of the most richest business woman & man worldwide. I have everything a girl wants to have. But I am different. Because of my social status, that doesn't mean that I am one of those materialistic brats who just care for the things that their parents give to them. I am human, I have emotions too and I also feel hurt. I might look shameless because instead of thanking my parents or appreciating all the things they gave to me, but I don't regret doing that. It's because I don't want their money nor the things they give me, I just want care and love from them. Is it that too much to ask?

I opened the front door and walked outside, and I saw our family driver waiting for me. He greeted, 'Good morning, Young Lady.' and he opened the door of a 2017 model Aston Martin Rapid S. And when the engine roared, the car started moving and I know I'm on my way to hell, again.

Walking in the campus made me feel conscious. 'Oh my god, look at . She's really confident that she colored her hair differently.' a girl whispered. 'Man, you got to see this. The coloring her hair violet. Dude she's so hot' one of the school jocks said. And was answered by his team mate 'That's the confidence a guy is looking for. Look how she's flaunting'

It was overwhelming. Instead of taking those as compliments, I felt conscious about myself. Maybe I shouldn't have dyed my hair. If I haven't done it, maybe they would stop staring at me like a celebrity who walked by. Something snapped inside of me, that keeps telling me, ' ,show them what real confidence means. You can't show them how weak you are. Be aggressive. Don't let your fears get into you.' And I did.

I walked my way into my class, smiling at everyone like an angel. And I can see that they were shocked of what I did. You see, it's unusual for me to greet everyone in the campus. I just walk into my class and act like I don't care. But it was different this time. I walked inside the classroom and saw that the professor is still not there. I passed by everyone, not forgetting to greet them. 'Hi, good morning' I said.

I sat down, and I opened my bag to get my MacBook. Once I have turned my laptop on, someone sat beside me and it frightened me. "Oh my god! Eunice,is that you? Oh my god!" my best friend, Summer, said. "Holy shit, you scared me! Why do you need to shout?" I replied to her. "I just can't believe where and when did you get your confidence that quick! This is so not you, Eunice" said. "But this is really me,. Look, I colored my hair because I wanted to express myself." I lied to her. I tried to know the feeling when you color your hair, I thought it will made me feel confident. But, sometimes things don't go as you planned.

The bell rang, signaling that the class is over. It's our lunch break, and together with my best friend, we walked towards the cafeteria. Everyone was whispering when I passed by. 'Can they stop that? I'm getting self-conscious' I thought to myself. Summer noticed the uncomfortable look in my face, then she asked "Hey Eunice, are you okay? Is there something wrong?" I fake a smile. "Everything's fine, Summer. No need to worry." I held my head high, and just continued to smile to everyone.

"Hey, Crystal. Do you, maybe wanna have lunch with us on our table?" a football player approached and asked me. "Oh, no thank you. I'm with my best friend" And I pulled Summer out of the cafeteria. "Eunice, what the hell was that?!" she questioned. "I suddenly felt that I'm still full. I ate a lot in the morning." I said which was not true. I haven't ate anything since the morning. "Come on, our next class is on 10 minutes. We still have to review for our test." And once again, we went to our classroom and day in school went by not so smoothly.

"Good bye, Eunice! Love you!" Summer bid goodbye. "Bye, sissy. Take care!" I said and opened the car door. And to my surprise, Mom was sitting there. "Hi, Mom. You're here.?" I said but it sounded like a question. "Thank God, my meeting with the investors finished earlier than what I expected. How was your day, my daughter?" I didn't expect her to ask me that question. But of course, I still need to answer that, "It was fine, Mom. The same routine as usual. Will you stay for dinner?" I felt hungry now and that's because I haven't eaten until now.

We arrived at home and we were greeted by my father who was fuming mad. "Matilda! Why would you reject our investors from China? Don't you know that we owe them a lot? They are one of the reasons behind our success!" he shouted. "Anderson, you don't understand! Our American investors have a much better offer than those Chinese investors!" Mother shouted back. It was not new for me. Every freaking day of my life, my parents always fight. During the past months, I stay in my room during their fight. And now, I actually am watching them fight face to face. It was like watching a boxing fight, but without physical fighting. It's more like a Senate debate. I slowly walked upstairs and I felt thankful that they haven't noticed me. I changed my clothes and after my parents' heated fight, I went downstairs and microwaved a left over food that I saw inside the refrigerator. I went to my room and ate their since I am used to eating alone. I brushed my teeth, and took a sleeping pill to help me get through my insomnia. And then suddenly, my vision was not clear, everything was blurry. And then, it became pitched black.

So that was what happened the whole day. Lesson learned from dyeing my hair; Yes it made me look confident, but on the inside I felt that I don't deserve the praises that I got today. I felt like I don't deserve this kind of confidence, because confidence is just not the right word for me. In fact instead of making me feel more superior and high, even though at my high-social status, it made me feel down. The confidence that I tried to have and to show everyone made me feel like I am at the rock bottom, trying not to sink but still keeps on drowning.

Yours truly,
Crystal Eunice♡️

(And that is the end of Chapter 1. I hoped everyone enjoyed reading my story. I'm not really that fluent in English. And English is not my first language (it's my second language actually *jokingly*) But yeah, thank you so much for reading my SWEET CORNS!(name for my readers and supporters) See you on the next chapter!)