a world on fire

flower

He doesn't feel awkward like he probably should do to be laying in Jackson's bed facing directly opposite the older alpha. Their faces are barely a few centimetres apart, and he can feel Jackson's breath ghosting across his skin as the alpha sighs deeply. Neither boy can sleep, they just stare into each other's eyes, unspoken words hanging in the air around them.

The omega no longer smells like his pack. He'd showered and gotten dressed in Jackson's clothes before getting into bed with nerves eating away at his chest, but Jackson can smell how anxious Namjoon is feeling. He's got a large hand resting protectively on the slight curve of Namjoon's side, and he can feel the alpha's cool touch through the thin fabric of one of the many black shirts that his friend owns that he's wearing.

It's too hot in the small bedroom for Namjoon to wear any bottoms so the lower half of his body is exposed, and even though he's wearing the shirt and his boxer briefs he can't help but feel incredibly naked right now. Jackson has no shame and sleeps completely topless, but he is wearing sweatpants much to the omega's relief. They don't leave much to the imagination though and he'd had to tear his eyes away from staring at the older boy's crotch before they'd climbed into bed together.

Jackson's apartment is quiet. The rest of his pack are away visiting their families but he'd gotten permission from them for Namjoon to be here. It wasn't needed but Namjoon wanted him to ask them anyway. The last thing he wants is to feel like he's intruding on their personal space and in their personal lives, which is silly when he remembers that Jackson says he wants to court him now.

Namjoon's chest aches, right where the bonds to his old pack used to be. Where there had once been a lush forest brimming with love and life, there was now a barren wasteland. But he'd been the one to set it aflame, stripping the land until all that was left was dark, ashy soil. But he finds his thoughts wandering back to the weeds that grow in the sidewalks, and the rugged plants that somehow thrive in the most hostile of deserts. Life can grow anywhere, and it can grow inside his heart again. New bonds can form if he wants it badly enough. He doesn't know whether or not he wants Jackson's pack though.

"Jackson, can I ask you something?" Namjoon whispers, closely watching the alpha's face that's lit up by faint moonlight that filters through the blinds. He looks beautiful like this.

"Of course," Jackson smiles warmly, and his hand gently rubs into his skin.

"Why did you choose to become an alpha?"

"Oh," Jackson spits out, visibly taken aback by the question but regardless he answers, "to be honest, I didn't think I was good enough to be a beta. Their role in the pack is so important, probably more so than pack alphas, and it's a lot of pressure. I didn't think I was caring enough, or nurturing enough, I don't know. And being an alpha feels right? I'm better at protecting than caring, I guess. Betas are good with emotions and I'm not, but that's not a bad thing. Why do you ask?"

"It's just, I wonder how I couldn't have ever known that I'm an omega? How could I not know that?" Namjoon shakes his head, disbelief and disappointment flooding through his veins.

"You were suppressing it, right? So part of you knew, part of you had always known, Namjoon-ah," Jackson urges, "It's not your fault for what happened. Nor is it your fault with what happened with the bonds. You were hurt. Your pack hurt you. Jungkook hurt you."

At the mention of the younger alpha Namjoon flinches, pushing away at Jackson's cold hand and shifting away from him slightly on the bed. He can't help it, and he's suddenly aware of how close he is to the other boy and how vulnerable he is right now. He trusts Jackson. He's known him and his pack for a long time but he can't stop himself when small, fearful tears slip out from the corners of his blurry eyes.