Degenerate

Chapter 12

The next couple weeks went smoothly. Evan would come over after school. I'd make him cry or moan depending on my mood. My mom would glare at me whenever she got the chance.

Now it's winter break. It's nice because Evan is coming over practically every day this week (except Christmas, I don't want to see him then).

"Derek?" Evan's voice floated through the air. We were seated on the couch watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. His head was in my lap and I was running my fingers through his hair.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"What ever happened to your friends?" He asked. I wanted to get mad but I couldn't. It wasn't worth it.

"What do you mean?"

"Why don't you ever hang out with them?"

"I don't like them. But I like you, so I'll just hang out with you." Evan muttered an 'oh'. He looked up into my eyes and sat up. He surprised me by hugging me. A real hug, a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer to me. After a minute or two Evan pulled away and went back to looking me in the eyes.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"I would tell you, but I'm scared you'll hit me." Evan said, sitting on my lap. He was facing me and I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him and I didn't ever want to hurt him. I wanted him to know I actually did care about him. That even though I've ruined him, I will try so hard to make up for all the times I made him want to die. I want him to know that I care. Does he see that I care?

"Derek?" Evan said lightly. He put a hand through my hair. "What are you thinking about?"

I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell him anything of what I was just thinking. Trust me, I wanted to, but when I tried it just didn't feel right. I wasn't ready to tell him. I still wanted to be mean for awhile. I'm not ready for change, even if it's for the better.

"Nothing." I lied. Evan leaned forward and kissed me. It was quick but it was perfect nonetheless.

Wow, I have changed so much in the small amount of time I've known Evan. And he's changed too. I wonder if he still wants to kill himself. I wish I knew what he thinks when I hit him. I wish I knew what he thinks when I fuck him. Does he hate me? Does he love me? I don't know and that makes me uneasy.

"Come on. Talk to me." Evan pressed his forehead to mine. I looked at his freckles. They made him look so young. But I guess he is kind of young.

He was little and I ruined him. He could never be the same.

He put his lips on mine but I couldn't kiss back. Evan pulled away with a disappointed look on his face. He crawled off of me and sat on the other side of the couch.

Now he's mad at me. I don't want him to be mad at me. I gotta kiss him. I crawled over to him. Evan looked up at me with this ridiculously innocent look on his face. He shouldn't look like that. He's not innocent. He's ruined.

I kissed him anyway.

~~

"I'm tired." Evan sighed. We were both naked, on the couch, a blanket over us.

"Go to sleep." I said. Evan let out a little 'ok' and closed his eyes. When he was asleep my mind really set to work.

By the time he woke up my plan was complete and foolproof.