My brother's best friend

Chapter Thirty-Five

I stare at the tombstones. Grey and sad. Nothing to elaborate. Just like they wanted.  A loving father, the first one reads. A loving mother is carved into the second one. Just like they wanted. 

I step forward and place a bouquet of flower in front of each of the gravestones. I step back and take Levi and Will's hands. I lean to my right and rest my head on Will's shoulder. None of us has said anything until now. It was Levi who spoke first, "I can't believe it's been a year." 

"I've been thinking. Of why they died. And I think I've got an answer." I mumbled, standing up straight again. Neither of them says anything. "Maybe they died so they wouldn't have to live through the shame I brought on them." "Lindsey-" Will reaches out and rests his hand on my shoulder, but I pull away. 

"Don't say it, Will. They would have resented Aiden. I would have disgraced them. Dad would die if he knew." I start at the first stone. "Good thing he's dead then." Both Will and I raise a brow at Levi. He shrugs, "What?" 

We decide to ignore him. "I would have been the worst daughter. They would be so disappointed." Will doesn't respond. "How did this happen? I was the responsible one." I run a hand through my hair. "I guess you have lived long enough on the sidelines." Will squeezes my shoulder, "They would have still loved you. And Aiden for that matter." 

I look over my shoulder to where Daniel was standing with Aiden. He's pointing out things to him. Two smiling faces. Daniel glances at me and waves. I give a slight wave before looking back at the gravestones. "Come on." Will wraps his arm around my waist and pulls Levi closer. "Let's go eat something." 

After eating at the restaurant mom and dad used to bring us, Will leaves to meet up with Jessica. Apparently, they are flat hunting. I'm glad Will is finally thinking of settling down. I don't know how long I could handle the party-boy act. 

Levi excused him, he has to finish a project for his practical class. So, it's just Daniel, Aiden and I. "How are you?" He asks, sounding very unsure. I shrug, "I guess I'm fine." I put Aiden down for his afternoon nap. I check that the blanket doesn't cover his face before we leave the room. 

"No rabbit hole?" He asks, he reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. For a second I'm lost in the moment. My heart speeds up, my eyes flick between his blue eyes and pinkish lips. A trail of sparks fade where his fingers brushed against my skin. I lick my lips, and by the looks of it, he is lost as well. 

For a brief second, I want to kiss him. I want to grab his face and kiss him. I want him to make the world disappear like only he can do. 

Instead, I look away, breaking the spell. I push past him. He's the one who pushed me away. It's his move. And I have a feeling he's not going to make it. And for some twisted reason, that is why I love him. He's loyal. Granted he wasn't all that loyal to me. But let's be honest, we're both at fault. 

The last time, however. That's all on him. And like I said; it's one of the many reasons I love him. I hear him follow me down the stairs. "Linds, I need you to say it. I need to hear it. No rabbit hole." I take a deep breath before facing him, "No rabbit hole, Daniel. I'm fine." 

It's silent for a moment, he looks like he's deciding to say something or not. "Are you sure? Will mentioned you saying something about your parents being gone so they would miss the shame?" Anger and irritation rise inside me, "He did what?" 

"He thought I could talk to you. You know, make sure you don't do something stupid." He says, looking down at his shoes. "I'm fine." I said gritting my teeth. He looks up, "Alright. But why would you say that? Why would you say you've shamed them?" I wish he'd shut up. 

"Because I have. You did know my parents, right? You knew how important things like meet, love, marriage then kids were to them. You know this, and I don't see a ring on my finger Daniel. So, yeah, I think they would be shamed if they were still here." It takes him a moment to process. 

"They'd still love you. And Aiden." He says softly. I shake my head, "No, they'd tolerate me. They would get used to Aiden. And maybe when he's 10 they'd start loving him. But not because they really do, but because they got so used to him. I would always be the slutty daughter who had a kid outside of wedlock." 

He walks to me, "Don't say that. You don't know that." I look up at him, my eyes burning, "No, but I'm pretty sure." He cups my cheek. Again, I catch myself trying to save the sparks flying across my skin. I pull back as if he slapped me. The hurt in his eyes shows me that he saw it the same way. 

"Don't, Daniel. You're the one who pushed me away this time." I shut my eyes to avoid the glare I know is coming from him. "You know I can't. I'm with Abby." I hear the grumble in his voice. I open my eyes but still avoid his gaze. "I know. And before that you-" "No. Before that, it was you." 

"I came to you." I snap. "I came to you and we," my eyes flick to him to see if he understands what I'm saying. "We did." He mumbles. "Then you were with Abby. And you still are." I continue, still not looking at him. 

"And I'm asking her to marry me." I feel like he's mentioned it before, but hearing it again makes my heartbreak all over again. My head snaps to him, even though I don't want to. His eyes seem angry, but I can't really tell. The light in the room has shifted. "I'm asking her, Linds." He says again.

"I'm not stopping you." I say looking away again. I hear him say something before he disappears. I sink to the ground and wrap my arms around my knees. I don't know how much heartache I can take. 

I might have promised that I wasn't in the rabbit hole earlier, but now I was definitely falling. Falling fast. First a lot of pain. For hours on end. Then a numbness. I'm praying for the numbness as tears stain my cheeks and jeans.