My brother's best friend

Chapter three

When I wake up, I quickly run downstairs to the kitchen. It was a dream. It had to be. The kitchen smells like it always did when she was cooking. When I pass the study it still smells like dad. It smells like the pipe he sometimes smoked. He must still be here. They both must.

When I enter the kitchen my heart drops. In the kitchen is not my mother, but Amanda. I shake my head, this can't be. I run back upstairs, stopping at the study. I open the door and let the tobacco smell hit me. I breathe in and savoir the smell. He must have smoked only hours before-"Lollipop." I turn around and see Amanda behind me. Her eyes are puffy and red. I assume from crying. "I thought I heard someone." She pulls her lips into a forced smile. I don't even try to smile back, "I'm going to my room." I pull the door shut, hoping to preserve the smell, and quickly head to my room.

I ignore Amanda's calls for me to come back. I shut my door and fall onto my bed. I feel my chest tighten as I let the sorrow and disappointment of not finding my parents in their usual spots. I roll over onto my stomach. I will myself to go to sleep. I will the thoughts of my parents to go away.

I'm woken up by a knock on my door. At first, I was just planning on ignoring the person, but they have already invited themselves into my room. It was Levi. He was holding a tray with food on it. "Amanda said I had to bring this to you." I watch him as he shakily places the tray on my bed stand.

He looks at me, his brown eyes glistening with tears. I fight the sudden lump in my throat as the memories of my father take over my brain. "I thought it was a nightmare." Levi chocked out. "I woke up and was convinced it wasn't true." He says, taking a seat on my bed.

"Me too," I say softly, pushing away the pain of this morning. I rub circles on Levi's back, trying to calm him. After a few moments, he jumps up, trying to wipe away the tears as discreetly as he could, before he left the room. The door re-opens and he peers inside, "You have to eat."

For the next week, everyone made turns to bring me my meals, as I refused to leave my room. I cursed every morning that I woke up with the thought of my parents still being here only to remember seconds later that they aren't. I was denying the fact that they were dead, every morning for a brief moment. Then the pain and grief took over. The pain and grief were swallowing me and I had no idea how to stop it. I was numb and couldn't stop the sorrow from burring me alive.

I ignored Leo's calls to the extent that he came by to check in me. I later learned from Levi that Will had told him about mom and dad. Will was also the one who sent him away. I also didn't answer when my roommate, Kitty, called to find out what had happened to me. After Leo's visit, she stopped calling and I assumed he had told her.

A small part of me knew I was stuck in the first stage of grief. I was minoring in psychology, so I knew. I also knew I had to get past it to move on. I just didn't have the strength or knew how to do it. That and I wasn't looking forward to the next stage. Anger. I don't like being angry.

Everything always feels so unreal. And you always end up hurting people who don't deserve it.
I am sitting on my bed, dressed in black. Black dress, black shoes, black hair accessory. My outside resembled my inside. A dark pit of never-ending grief and pain. There's a small knock on the door. Taylor. She is much gentler than the boys. She also opens the door softly, trying to not let it creek. She steps inside and sends me a sad smile. She's also dressed in black. I take in a deep breath.

"It's time." She says, holding her hand out to me. I reluctantly take her hand and let her lead me to the car. Carter is at the wheel, Levi in the passenger seat. Tyler, Taylor and I are seated in the back seat. The boys are all dressed in black suits with black ties.

At the graveyard, I am hesitant to get out of the car. I finally step out and feel a wave of sadness wash over me. My chest tightens, my throat clenches and I feel my body shaking. I beg for the world to stop spinning and wish for the white flashes in my vision to go away. I take a step towards Taylor but my body betrays me and I am sure I am about to fall to the ground.

"Easy there, Linds." If this wasn't a funeral, and if I wasn't 21, my heart would have fluttered at the familiar voice. Daniel wraps his arm around my shoulder and lets me lean into him. He holds me tight as we slowly approach the two open graves. When we finally stop I see a picture of my parents next to the priest. They were both laughing. The photo was resent, mom's hair is flecked with grey and dad's face is lined with wrinkles- something I took little notice of the last time I was with them.

I feel Daniel trying to let go of me, but I grab onto his hand, "Don't leave me." His blue eyes seem shocked by my request but he doesn't argue. He stands next to me throughout the whole ceremony, holding me together in someways. I focused on the priest's words, "They will be missed." "- they are gone now."

I have to move past this. I can't keep denying the truth. My parents are gone. Mom isn't going to be cooking breakfast anymore. Dad is not going to smoke his pipe again. I am never hearing them laugh again.

I think back for a moment. The last time I saw them. I was so angry with them. Angry that they wanted me to follow tradition. I even told them I'll get married without them. I was horrible. I remember the anger I had in my heart when dad refused to bless my union with Leo. I recall pushing their words aside, not allowing them to make their point. I wanted so bad to be my own woman that I created the worst last memory with them. I am a horrible daughter.

I feel the anger rise in me. Anger towards myself for being so unreasonable. Anger towards them for being overprotective and old school. Anger at the whole situation. The way I left things. The way they left things.

Why did they have to go and die?