Teaching Nostalgia [Gumlee]

Chapter 26

Waking up in Barnaby's bed was like a breath of fresh air after going through the tornado of chaos I just experienced. I could finally just relax and not worry about anything. In less than twenty-four hours I met up with two of my exes, had some form of sex and admitted my love to them, discovered a new fashion style, and figured out I'm gay. I don't know whether to call that a successful day or not. The smell of Barnaby's cologne all around me answered that.

I rubbed my eyes with one hand and felt the bed with the other, searching blindly for said boy. Instead of a warm body, I was met with a cold, neatly made bed next to me. That's when I heard the shower running and noticed light peaking through his bathroom door. I groaned, still tired and slightly disappointed that I woke up alone. I wanted to be held by the person I admitted my love to. I guess I'd have to wait until he comes out, and who knows how long that'll be. With a sigh, I grabbed his pillow and cuddled with it, not caring that I messed his side up.

As I linked my arm around the plush object, my hand caught ahold of something that wasn't the sheet. Curious, I grabbed the soft fabric and pulled it out, only to find that it was... my old t-shirt? Why did he still have this? And how long had it been under his pillow? More questions swarmed my brain as I sat up in bed, inspecting the article more. I honestly don't even remember when I gave this to him, it must've been that long ago. I held the wrinkled shirt in my lap. Honestly, after our breakup I expected him to gather everything that reminded him of me and burn it or something.

But I'm glad he didn't, I'm glad he didn't move on. As much as I know how much he deserves someone way better, it's still warming to know he still cares deeply about me even after what I did to him. I don't think I can ever say sorry enough for that, I just feel so bad. I really don't know what I was thinking, how could I be so stupid?

Before I dug myself into a depressed hole, the sound of the shower stopping pulled me out. A fluttering sensation kicked up in my stomach and I could feel the smile growing on my face. Barnaby would be out soon, the boy I admitted my love to. My heart felt funny as I thought about last night, especially the events that occurred after the whole car incident. I don't know what was going through my head when I decided to pay him a visit but I just... felt like I needed to see him. And thank the lord I did.

I really didn't expect him to say yes to my little proposal but I guess the universe works in mysterious ways sometimes. Maybe he was just feeling horny like I was and couldn't turn down the offer. However, he did admit that he hadn't even begun to move on and even said he loved me so, that's a good reason as to why he said yes to me. I'm honestly surprised with myself; I still can't believe I mustered up enough courage to go to my exes house and ask if he wanted to fuck. Who the hell do I think I am?

With the shirt still in my hands, I laid back against the pillows and reflected on my relationship with Barnaby. I still feel horrible for everything I did to him, and couldn't help but believe I was just using him for my own personal comfort. When we were just friends back in school, I would act like we weren't just to keep up my image and then turn around and visit him at night just to complain about my problems. Once we started dating, I broke us up when things got a little rough for myself but avoided him when he needed me. And now here I am, laying in his bed after not seeing him for weeks, still reeking of last night when I asked him for some relief. I'm using him to feel better about myself and he's just letting me. Looking down at the shirt in my hands, I set it aside and ran a hand through my tangled mess of hair. I'm such a shitty person, but he seems to ignore that; sleeping with my shirt every night and waiting for me instead of moving on to someone he deserves.

I hear the sink start running and the sound of an electric toothbrush vibrating. The butterflies come back and I'm reminded about how much I care about him. I can't be thinking such things, not anymore. He needs me just as much as I need him. I need to recognize that he's the only person who has stuck by my side for so long and genuinely wants to stay. He loves me, even after all the dumb shit I've done, and I need to appreciate that. Not overthink and feel bad about the past, therefore becoming anxious and worried that I'm gonna fuck up again, and then leave to prevent that just like I did the last time. No, I can't do that to him. I'll be better this time around, for him and for myself.