Trying To Forget (A Law And Order: SVU Fanfic)

Chapter 20: Commiserations

The familiarity with and the acceptance of the death and destruction of young life is not a cross that she had ever come to bear proudly. She did not see it as her superpower or as the beacon that allowed her to shine. Finding the empathetic balance that allowed her to do her job was a skill that she struggled to develop and still to this day has trouble honing when it is needed. It never became less difficult to see a child laid out on an autopsy table, laying beneath a white sheet with their being stripped from them and replaced with a cold dead shell, void of who they once were.

Elta was no exception because she haunted Olivia just the same. Try as she might, she hadn't been able to get her face out of her mind. The little girl's contorted expression was seared into her brain and played in her mind even in the private darkness of her closed eyes.

"Olivia?" Dr Maynard's voice fades in and Olivia realises that she's probably been unresponsive for a while. She sits up as the doctor gently places a sheet of tissue onto her abdomen and replaces the Doppler.

She apologises quietly as she disposes of the wad of tissue, replacing her shirt over her abdomen with noticeable frustration.

"Are you okay?"

Olivia sighs and stares blankly at the doctor for a little bit too long. At this point the poor woman must think her abundantly mad. It's just that she wasn't sure how to answer that question anymore. Of course, the release that would come with admitting her affliction would be trivially therapeutic, but she wasn't prepared or willing to unload the darkness she was tasked with carrying on this woman.

Instead, she swings her feet off of the bed and faces the doctor, plastering on her best, most assuring smile as she moves to stand "Stressful case." The doctor startles her by reaching up, grasping her forearm and gently pushing her back to sit. The doctor picks up on Olivia's perturbed reaction to the gesture and speaks quickly.

"I know that there's not much that you can do to stay clear of stressful situations." The doctor states silently nodding to the articles of Olivia's livelihood strapped to her side. "But you are high risk, Olivia and while the babies are doing fine right now, regression is just a few overtly stressful events away and you need to try to limit those."

Olivia scoffs and she can't help but gap incredulously at the young woman before her. It was true that she needed to relax and that it would benefit her unborn children, but she couldn't relax until the people who massacred Elta and defiled every other victim whose file happened to crossed her desk got what they deserved. She simply didn't know how to do it. The doctor seemed to read her mind and continued, "Olivia, I'm not asking you to quit your job and move to the Poconos and kick your feet up until you deliver the babies; all I'm asking is that you offset the bad with the good... just...take care of yourself."

Dr Maynard doesn't wait for a response and rolls off to a machine on the other side of the small room. She returns with the two print outs that Olivia had requested earlier. "See you in two weeks?" the tone wasn't a rhetorical one, the doctor was genuinely interested to know if she'd see her again after the talk. Olivia purses her lips and nods, taking the sonograms.

+++

Olivia pushes through the double doors of the bullpen and tips her head at Fin as their eyes meet. There's no sign of Amaro as she plops her bag onto their shared desks and she's relieved. She begins to clear her desk when Amanda comes barreling toward her like a bat out of hell.

"He's out chasing ghosts." She announces, carrying a single piece of paper. "Something about Cassidy."

Amanda senses Olivia's annoyance and temporarily boxes her colleague in from her desired exit. Olivia arches her eyebrow at the petite blonde before her because she isn't in the mood.