Trying To Forget (A Law And Order: SVU Fanfic)

Chapter 35: Penance (1)

"Loren?" Amanda responded incredulously, as she plopped down into the chair beside Olivia's desk. Olivia nodded her head on top of her intertwined knuckles causing the blonde detective to turn away from her shaking her head. "Loren."

"Loren?" Amanda inquired again, a little more incredulously.

"Loren," Olivia finally chuckled, dropping her hands from her face and flipping through the case file absentmindedly. It was hard for her to believe it as well and she had been the one to figure it out. He had been under their noses all along, but yet still none of them saw the connections. "I mean it makes sense, but the only problem is that we're gonna have a hell of a time proving it."

"You got that right," Olivia agreed.

+++

She was now twenty-eight weeks and 6 days pregnant. Ariel had laughed at him when he likened having to keep track of her in this way as some kind of penance, but it was true. It was a punishment to have to count the days like this, effectively reminding himself every day of what he did and the distance and days that that action has put between him and Olivia. It was lonely to count the days without her being present in them and to count the nights without falling asleep in her arms or she in his. Maybe Ariel was right to laugh as the word penance did not adequately describe what he was presently going through. In fact, it was much worse than any penance that he had ever had to do before now and it left him trying to figure out how he was going to navigate it and make it on the other side.

He hadn't been successful as of yet and as the morning sun hit his back, casting a shadow onto his closet doors and signalling a new day, he was left fatigued once more with no solutions. Much like last night and the night before, he hadn't slept much—having been laid awake thinking of her all night. She was fine, Ariel had reassured him as much when she'd called Olivia a few days go but he wanted to see her in person to make sure. No, he wanted to fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness—a forgiveness that he wasn't sure that he deserved, but it was killing him to be apart from her.

In the grand scheme of things his betrayal had been minor, he knew this much and he was sure that she did, too, but to her it meant everything and he should have appreciated that fact. It was a simple request: stay out of her and Derek's relationship, but he couldn't because he thought that he knew best when in reality he had no business sticking his nose in their business. Because as much as he now felt like an integral part of her personal life, the parenting relationship that she had with Derek didn't belong to him. She was going to be co-parenting with Derek, not him and so she and he got to decide how she ran that relationship.

He just wished that he'd come to this realisation sooner. Now all that was left was a spring of new realisations and an empty bed and heart.

He'd called—endlessly, of course, but she hadn't answered any of them—not that he expected her to. It was her turn to leave his calls unanswered and his texts unread and while the irony of the situation was not lost on him as he hit redial in the last few days, he imagined that his broken heart paled in comparison to what she felt. So maybe this was super penance—justice even—and in that way, it somehow made it easier, if not for the fact that penance had an end...

But this wasn't a punishment for anger or greed doled out by a priest through a lattice grate, it was real life. And he'd really hurt her and for that, he was going to have to pay...but maybe she would answer the phone this time. He turned over and reached for his phone one more time just like he had done many times throughout the past few days. He scrolled through the list of unanswered calls featuring her name and pressed it.

Ten rings and then her voicemail. He was about to end the call when the beep came but instead, he decided on leaving a voicemail for the first time and as soon as he was done, as if right on cure, his door which was left slightly ajar began to inch open.