Strangeness and Charm

Drunk Camila Is Bad Camila

Prompt:
"Fluff: Drunk Camila (not the cute kind, tho.. ; we want the disgusting, annoying, throwing up everywhere kind of drunk)"

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Lauren's PoV

"Fuck me, Lauren!" Camila slurred.

Her arms hooked tightly around my neck, her body basically dead weight, as I dragged her out of the club at two in the morning. Two in the fucking morning!

"Shut your filthy ass mouth, Camila, or I'll leave you on the sidewalk and watch while you puke on yourself," I grumbled, pissed at the fact that I was called up by Dinah while I was studying for my exam tomorrow, asking me -- wait, no, telling me to pick up my stupid roommate because she was dead drunk and trying to dry-hump a bouncer named Big Rob.

When I asked her why she can't drop Camila off to our apartment herself, the blonde shithead simply said that she's pretty sure she's gonna go home with a drunk groovy professor she's been buttering up all night, so she can't deal with Mila's huge Cuban booty. Who the fuck even still uses the word groovy?

So here I was, literally hauling ass, and when I say ass I meant Camila being a fucking ass with an enormous ass. And boy, I was sweating all my fucking fat out and I wondered how the hell could someone as tiny as she was be so heavy? You guessed right, it's her goddamn ass probably weighing a ton!

"Lauuureeennnn, play with me!" Camila was basically slobbering in my ear, and people might think that's cute and shit, but it's not, okay?! I can smell her stinky vodka breath fanning my face, and I'm pretty sure I can smell some garlic chicken wings in the mix, too, so it's really hard to keep my temper in check when it's two-oh-five in the motherfucking morning and I was dragging a fucking fuck-up while I was sleep-deprived and currently suffering from pre-exams anxiety.

It's hard not to give in to the urge of pushing Camila down to the ground and body-slamming myself on top of her, with my elbow pointed straight at her throat, but I kept it to myself because it's not fair to beat up a drunk girl. Even one as annoying as my roommate.

"Camila, one more word from you and I'll punch you in the face," I grunted as I lifted her slumping body and balanced both of us as I continued to walk. "Don't fucking test me."

Look, I'm not as terrible as I sound, okay? I would have been fine if it was a simple pick-a-friend-up and bring-her-home and accept-her-thank-you-as-I-help-her-to-her-bed. But no, it's pick Camila up, my annoying roommate, and drag her drunk (and apparently horny) butt all the way to the parking lot, at ten-past-two in the motherfucking morning, while trying to prevent her from doing shit, like keeping her from fucking a cactus we just passed by. She said it's the cutest dildo she has ever seen and literally ran towards it, her intent obvious when I saw her trying to unbutton her jeans, while cooing at the cactus as if it was a fucking dog.

Why the hell was there even a cactus in here? Wait, the real question was, why should I stop her from doing what she wanted? If she wanted to fuck that mean-looking cactus, who was I to stop her? I'd even be willing to drive her straight to an OB-GYN in the morning, when she woke up bleeding from her vagina.

No, okay, I wasn't that entirely heartless. Maybe next time... if she pissed me off too much. Right now, I just wanted to get home, pronto.

I could see my car at the corner of the dimly-lit parking lot and I almost jumped for joy because I have never felt elated upon seeing my beat-up ugly Honda; but I couldn't, because this dweeb beside me was hanging on my neck like a fucking monkey. I had an urge to elbow her on the ribs but I didn't wanna risk her fighting back in a public place because the last time we did that, fight in public I mean, she shouted rape at the top of her lungs and anyone who knew Camila could attest how high-pitched her voice could go. In fact, she shouted so loud that people started recording us with their cellphones while I was telling her how stupid she was being because who in their right minds would believe a girl like me would try to rape her in public, right? I told her I could get anyone to drop their panties with just a simple wink. But then I heard an elderly woman nearby calling 911, and I panicked and I had to bribe Camila a hundred bucks just so she would stop playing the victim (for once in her damn life) and to get in my car so we could speed away before the police came.