Tangerine

Chapter 38

"Go on, then," I amusingly resist rolling my eyes, despite how much I know I'm gonna want to after hearing this one.

"Alright," Harry clears his throat, rolling up his sleeves a bit more. "I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed."

I crack up laughing, shaking my head at how hilariously lame it is, but I can't just not praise him. It's Harry.

"So good," I beam fondly.

"Yes!" Harry raises a little victory fist. "Another one for the bank."

We share a spontaneous high five, giggling and way too giddy for this kind of early hour. Harry gives me another look before tossing all of his chopped fruit into one bowl.

Every time he touches me, even in the most casual way, my heart seems to swell. I hate the distance between our hands, our mouths, my body that could be against his, if only I would just go for it. I hate wanting to touch him and kiss him. I hate wanting to hold him and feel his breath against mine. I hate wanting his attention. His lips. His skin.

I hate wanting Harry.

I miss Louis, that's what it is. I can't stand the infinite thoughts in my mind drowning me in Louis' voice, Louis' touch, Louis' scent. I miss him enough that whenever I think of him my heart breaks, and whenever I'm not thinking of him I'm walking through life with an indistinguishable void, wondering why my heart feels so broken.

It makes my thoughts seem almost pointless, having Louis constantly here even when he's not. It's a mind-numbing sort of feeling. A feeling that puts me out of place, even at my strongest.

"Hey, Scar, you okay?" Harry senses my ill demeanour and pauses what he's doing to caress my arm comfortingly. "What's the matter?"

"I, uh-," I chuckle, briefly running over my nagging thoughts once more. "I'm an idiot. It's nothing."

"First, you're not an idiot. I don't want to hear you calling yourself names like that. You're worth more than you know," Harry's eyebrows raise intently. "And second... is it about Louis?"

I blink my eyes, annoyed only at myself, and nod plainly, "I'm trying not to think about him. I really am. It's just not working out. At all. I'm feeling a bit blue, I guess."

"Whenever I'm feeling blue, I start breathing again," Harry utters softly, lightly breaking his contact from my skin. "Why don't you have a wash upstairs and come back for some breakfast when you're done? Might help you feel better."

I nod, rounding back out of the kitchen and heading upstairs.

It's not that I'd rather be staying with Louis over Harry. I just don't like the idea of having to choose between two perfectly good things.

I don't understand it, is what it is.

I can hear Anne talking with Louis' mum, Johannah, as I pass her and Robin's bedroom. They've been on the phone together since I woke up, making me feel closer and farther away from Louis than ever.

I consider texting him but I wouldn't know what to say.

It would probably come out like, "Hey, I'm at Harry's and he's being fucking sweet and I really like him and oh hey guess what we're sleeping in the same bed and did I mention he sleeps naked lol but I guess you already knew that."

Yeah, I'm definitely not texting Louis with a mindset like this.

At least, not yet.

I feel like I take my time in the shower but it's a quick wash overall. I draw little pictures on the steamy mirror once I'm done and the water is off. I figure Harry will probably be taking a shower after me and mirror doodles are something I know he'll have a good laugh at.