Serendipity

Upset

I don't answer.

"It's insane."

I bite.

"What is?! The fact I had hope that one day we would have a family?! That we would have a child?! That you would actually want a family with me?! What is insane?!"

"You've just got over a major car accident Katy! You're still struggling with the aftermath of it and you want to bring a child into this!"

"Great, so I'm selfish as well as stupid."

"That's not what I'm saying." He argues.

"Hmm pretty sure it's the same."

"Don't be so ridiculous. I'm just saying that right now, the last thing either of us need or want is a child."

"I wanted! I wanted a child! I want a child!"

"You can't look after yourself!" He points out only angering me further.

"I told you I didn't want to talk about this!" I snap.

"Well I think we should! Seeing as I'm in the dark about all of this! When did you decide that you want a child? Weeks ago?"

"It's never came up. Like you said.."

"How long?" He growls.

"Today.. When I allowed myself hope. Hope that my life would mean something and that I would be useful for something because right now I feel pretty fucking useless!"

He sighs and tries to cuddle into me when I push him away "No. No I don't want pity or kind words. I want the truth from you now. What would have been your reaction if they were positive?"

"Well they weren't."

"No shit! But how would have you reacted?"

"I don't know."

"Bullshit!" I hiss. "Would you have been happy? Excited? Upset? Angry? What?"

"I don't know what I would have been. Okay? I don't know. But what I do know is that us having a child would not make things easier, you think this is hard now? Imagine being responsible for a child? I wouldn't be here all the time. My life is on the road. Not tied down playing daddy day care."

"Oh wow... Wow okay, I know what you would have been now."

"What?" He asks confused.

"Tied down.. Tied down to me. To a child. Our child. You don't want children. Do you?"

"No." He answers flatly.

I let that sink in, now I'm left with the thought of Zak walking. I knew he was happy to see the negative, where as I was crushed. So we misinterpreted the stork delivering the baby. Maybe it was delivering a big fuck you. A fuck you to me and my hope. It seemed more fitting right now.

"I'm sorry, but I don't. No child should ever feel unwanted."

"I would have loved that child unconditionally. I would have wanted that baby. Even if you didn't." I respond before closing my eyes trying to stop the tears from coming.

I hear the lamp turn off beside me, and the bed shift as he lays down.

"Maybe you would have. But I don't think I have that paternal bone in me. My life is different from everyone else's. I'm a paranormal investigator."

"Nick has two daughters, he's a paranormal investigator and an amazing father." I point out.

"Don't compare me to him." He snarls.

"Whatever."

We fall silent and for a while, I think he's fallen asleep. Until he speaks.

"We were in trouble today because you didn't know if you took your pill. You couldn't remember. Tomorrow, I'll ring the doctor."

"Why? Because I forgot?"

"No. Because I think you need to have another form of contraception, maybe the implant, or something like that. So you haven't got to remind yourself to take a tablet. It's too risky."

I scoff. "I guess I don't get a say in it."

"Of course you do. Don't be stupid."

"There's that word again. You know what? You could just remember to wear a fucking condom." I growl sitting up and getting out of bed.

"What- where are you going?" He asks as I pull my pillow off the bed.

"I'm sleeping on the couch. Wouldn't want to be a burden on you anymore."

"Don't be ridiculous Katy."

"Oh! I'm not! I'm being practical. You would know all about that!" I snap and leave the bedroom before slamming the door behind me.

I stalk over to the couch and lay down on it with my pillow. I end up using his coat as a blanket for my legs.

The next hour, I spent crying, until I'm exhausted and worn out. My eyes are heavy and they are just about to surrender into sleep when I hear the door to the bedroom opening.

I feel Zak before he's even put a hand on me, but when he does, it's to stroke my cheek with his finger.

"I'm so sorry. But I can't have another child feel as unwanted as what I felt. I wish I could love a baby. But they terrify me, the anxiety of a child. I know you'd be perfect. But it's me.."

I don't move or let on I'm awake. I just let him slide his arms under my body and pick me up before taking me back to bed. Where he wraps an arm around my body and presses a kiss into my head.

"I wish I could give you everything.." He whispers before I finally submit to the darkness of my mind.